What am I doing in Tallinn University?

Before I chose where will I study and what should I study, I was doing lot of soul searching and I came to realise that I want to do something great in the future. I'm sure most of us think the same way, but I'm also willing to work for it 110 %.

Today's world is quite a mess and it seems like war is affecting on all of us. Even when you live far way up in the North, it still affects you one way or another. I'm no Mother Theresa but I would love to do my share in helping as well. This is one of the main reasons why I chose Tallinn University.

I applied to do my masters in International Relations and major in International Security and Conflict Studies. After going through the programmes course descriptions, I knew this is the right university for me. When I submitted my application, I was in a rush to send out all of my documents. Thank god there were time for that, because otherwise I wouldn't have made it on time. Also to be quite honest I was impressed how smoothly the application went by. The whole process was basically done online and not for a second was I confused because through every step there were instructions on what to do.  All of the universities in Estonia use a site called Dream Apply (have a look if you want).

Tallinn University, Narva manatee 29.

Studying abroad is always a bit scary because we from Finland are used to a very high standard and in my experience not a single University in the world can reach to Finland's standard. How wrong was I.. When you live inside of a glass box, you do look outside but you never get the chance to breath the air from the other side of the glass. This is how I felt after the first night in my own house in Tallinn.

The first few classes were quite exciting for me. I had heard a lot about Tallinn University but of course I had my reservations towards it as well. I wasn't sure of the level of teaching but oh how happy I was when most of our professors were from abroad and all of them had one of the greatest backgrounds! Obviously everyone has their favourite professors by now and I also do!

Before I got accepted to this program, I had an interview with Professor Matthew Crandall, he is the programme administrator of International Relations. Already at the interview I felt like wow, this professor is amazing! After getting to know him more, I was so surprised for how supportive and amazing he is! Whatever concern or problem I had, he was always there to help me out. I can't figure out a single teacher/professor who was like this back in Finland. We students need to thrive and if we don't have the right kind of support, we will never have the courage to dig a little bit deeper. I don't want to be one of the mass, I want to be something different. I want to break the rules and create something new. And honestly, I know Tallinn University will be the right platform for me to do this.

Professor Matthew Crandall, at Tallinn University.

I know many Finns have expectations towards Universities in Estonia, some are bad and soma are good. I can't defend all of the Universities but I can definitely defend Tallinn University and my program. This university is giving me chances I didn't even know existed and I can't wait to talk about journey. I have big dreams and bigger goals, and I truly hope all of you will be with me on this great journey.

With love,
Taj

Talk about Kurdish problems..

Lately I've had the chance to really think about the things we women go through. To be more precise I've thought about all of the chances we have in life and the chances we can never reach due to our circumstances - whether it is culture or religion.

My thoughts aren't based on any facts hence don't take them as the absolute truth. But doesn't it sometimes piss you off that Kurdish women always have to explain themselves? If we are too smart, then we are arrogant. If we are successful, then we surely have used our feminine ways to reach that far (not gonna open up that more - I'm sure you know what I  mean). If we want more from life than a Kurdish man and kids, then we must be rebels. If some of the lucky ones actually reach to the point they've dreamed and worked hard for, then they are judged so harshly that you can't believe your eyes nor ears. 

Throughout my life I've always tried to please others. I've always wanted to be part of something. I've always felt like I'm missing out because I'm already 26 years old and I don't have a husband (believe me, in our culture I'm already a lost case and no one wants me). I've always thought of the things I should do than the things I want to do. When someone asks me "why don't you just do it" my answer is almost always "because I can't". I feel so trapped because I need to live up to every expectations made up for me. For those who don't know the Kurdish culture, let me open it up a bit.

In most families, not all of course, women differ a lot from men. Women are more protected and more controlled because women are the crown jewel of the family, women are the pride and if they do something that isn't acceptable it's same as the family has lost all of their pride. Talk about pressure! 

So when you are thinking about what to do this weekend I need to think what to say to my parents to even go out. Of course in many situations I'm pretty lucky from other Kurdish women. I can educate myself, I can work and I can have a brain (seriously, I'm not exaggerating). My parents don't expect me to just settle down with someone (even tho they wish me to do so), they don't tell me what to do and when but all they ask of me is to take care of my dignity and image. You think that's easy?

Kurds are so curious on other Kurds life's that if you want to keep something to yourself it's almost impossible. I live in Europe, in a country where equality is confirmed by law but it doesn't mean that it will automatically actualize in every household. Even the most simplest things are more difficult to overcome than you might think. As an example I can't just go out in the middle of the night and say "I'll be back". Not to mention living by myself, having a boyfriend or going on a holiday with my friends.

I'm not writing this to complain that I want to do all these things, because believe it or not I don't want these things. I wan't something much more. I love to live with my parents because I'm never alone, dinner is always ready when I come from work, our house is always clean and I have the most loving parents. So why would I want to move out and be alone? I don't want that. I've compensated these things with a hunger for success and a strong will to educate myself as much as I can. I believe that short-term satisfaction is nothing compared to the long-term satisfaction that will ultimately lead to true happiness.

We people are so eager to live in the moment and suffocate ourselves with happiness and good feeling that lasts a moment. What we forget is that nothing good comes easy and if we truly want something we need to suck up the pain and keep our eyes on the target.

So to conclude and gather my thoughts I want to let you all know that life isn't supposed to be easy and some of us got more obstacles on our way than the rest. Therefore never compare yourself with others because we all got our own battles to win. Shitty things happens to everyone everyday but what truly matters is how we react on it. 

Dare to dig a bit deeper, fight against the obstacles and challenge yourself for the rest of your life. Don't settle for today when you have tomorrow.

What's Up With 90's Generation?

I don't know if its the blood running through my veins or just the way I was raised up, but whenever I see strong women standing for their beliefs or fighting in the front-line beside men I feel a rush going through me. It feels like the whole world is counting on me to do something. It feels like I need to get up and stand for what I believe in.

"Live your beliefs and you can turn around the world"

                                                               Henry David Thoreau


What do I believe in then? A world where we all can live in peace. To some this might sound a bit of naive, but isn't that what we all want? There are young girls like Malala Yousafzai (who is my absolute favorite above all) that have dedicated her whole existence in protecting the fundamental right: equal education for everyone despite their gender. 

I have few fundamental beliefs as well and they are:

1. The right to live in peace
2. Food and water for everyone
3. Equal rights for education

It's been couple of weeks now - and no it's not my New Year resolutions - that I've been thinking a lot what's next. Many of my friends know me for being very determinate and always up to date with all of my future plans. Not to mention that I also expect a lot from myself too. Maybe its the fact that the world is going through a lot or maybe I'm just lacking some excitement. 

A year ago I didn't even have a clear vision what should I do in the near future and currently I feel like the whole world is sitting on my shoulders and expecting a miracle from me. Do you ever feel like there is so much you need to accomplish but so little time? Yah.. Time is seriously our number one enemy. While we are thinking what's next, time keeps passing us by without even feeling bad for us!

But then again, why are we rushed to know what we want to do for the next 40 or 50 years? Why living feels like mass production; born, go to school, work, get married, get a mortgage, have kids, work some more and then die. 

Well no. Just no. I have and will always refuse to be the typical Kurdish woman who by the age of 26 has already a husband and 3 kids. Also I'm not degrading women who do decide to do so, because I have great deal of respect for them. My own sister has 3 beautiful daughters and she is - after my mom - the best mom I've seen. So don't get me wrong. 

What I mean is why can't the rest of us break the rules and make room to follow our own road. 

From a young Kurdish woman's perspective It's quite hard sometimes. The first problem sometimes starts within your own family; there is your own dad who strongly believes that women are "weaker" and therefore needs "protection". Yah, surely we might be weaker physically but we can do much more if we are given the possibility to do so. Right now I'm talking from experience. There has been so many times that I've had to prove my dad wrong but once I managed to do that I opened a new door to my own road. 

We also have someone very special that balances "Kurdish problems" and that's our mom. Kurdish mothers always wants the best for their children, especially daughters. Personally speaking its always my mother who convinces my dad to let me pursue my goals. Tho this doesn't mean we don't have to anything. Oh yes we do. We need to show our parents every single day that we are worth the trust, we need to prove them with high marks and excellency. Pretty tough to be a Kurdish woman but that's what makes us extremely powerful. It's the fact that we need to constantly work hard and exceed all expectations.

Despite the hard work and the need to argue with my dad each time even on the most simplest things - makes everything much more desirable once I've actually met my goals. I guess what I'm trying to say here is LIVE. If you want to chill and just watch Netflix, do that. If you want to become a doctor, study hard. If you want to be the next Obama, get up right now. And if you just want to be you, then be.

Stop with all the fuzz and for once just breath.

This is What Genocide Looks Like

Take a close look at the picture below.

Now Imagine this is your child. Imagine you had to leave your home with a hope of a save haven for your child. Not for yourself, but for your child. You are going through hell right here on earth.

I am actually speechless for all the war crimes ISIS is doing against humanity. I am numb for all the hate in the world. I am powerless because we can't stop the war or the hate.

I still remember like it was yesterday when I was listening to my history teacher and he was talking about Hitler's war crimes. At that time I was thinking "wow, and no one did anything to stop him. What a world!". I never guessed that 10 years later I would be the one to witness such cruelty. History keeps repeating itself and we never learn. Do we?

I know what you are thinking. Lots of kids are dying everyday in Asia, Africa and in the whole world. But when will we stand up and say "Enough is enough!". We can't keep letting our people die because they are running away from war! I mean how can we sleep in our cozy warm beds when we know there are people dying because of our style of living?! Our standards and needs are so high that we keep asking for more and more, and who gets hurt? Guess twice.

I won't get into too much politics, because it's one woman's opinion. What we need to do is put our focus on humanity, instead of who wins and who looses.  We are living in the same god damn world, same bubble but yet we have two separate worlds: The West and the East. The rich and the poor. We are breathing the same air, enjoying the same rain and sunset but yet we somehow feel more privileged and close our borders from the ones in need. Not to even mention the rich Arab countries who ain't moving even one finger!

I mean what the hell?!

Since when our lives have prices and labels? Since when I am more privileged just because I was lucky enough to live in one of the safest places in the world? Since when we human beings are the smartest race in the world? Huh..what a laugh! At least animals care for each other, at least animals show compassion and empathy towards one and another.

I am simply disgusted and I blame the world leaders and their unbelievable greediness.

Let's all make a stand and do our part. Always remember to help each other, always show love instead of hate and always remember this innocent child.

May this angel rest in peace.

Our story in 1991: From Kurdistan To Finland

"It was March 1991 and the sky was pitch dark. Our home was invaded, our people were dying and we were walking through war zone in a hope of finding a save haven." 

-My mom

In 1991 Kurds were persecuted by Saddam Hussein's army and just like every other Kurd also our family migrated from his Regime. My parents wanted a saver world for their children and this is a story of our journey.

Unlike the other 2 million Kurds who fled Saddam Hussein's regime, we were lucky. In March 1991 our family was separated because the Iraqi army killed all the Kurdish men but saved women and children so my father had to leave. He went to the border of Iran with his brothers and stayed there for over a month. We on the other hand were in constant danger so one night our mother took me, my older sister and brother to his brother's house because they were the few ones who actually had a bomb shelter. We spent there approximately 2 days and all we heard was bombs exploding and gun shootings. We were scared to death.   

On the following days my mom and her sister had the courage to go outside because we were about to be without any food or water, so under pressure they went to see what is going on outside. The view was incredible. People were coming back to their houses and life was starting again in the heart of Kurdistan, Hawlér. 

My mom gathered the children and we went back to our own house, still without our father. After sometime my grandfather went to get my dad back because during that time there were no telephones or internet for that matter. We didn't even know if my dad was still alive. Finally after many weeks we saw our dad again.

Time had passed but situation in Hawlér was still unstable. One day a man knocked on our door and asked for my dad. This man came to take us to Europe. One of my uncles left Kurdistan many years before us, so once he heard what's going on he sent one of his friends to us so that also we can leave Kurdistan and find ourselves a new saver home. So this man showed my father pictures of my uncle and us as well just to assure my dad he is for real. Once again my dad left us for weeks. He went to Iran to get us all Iraqi Passports so that we can leave Kurdistan. These passports were fake but during that time no one had "real" passports anyways.

The man on the left is the one who helped us and the man in the middle is my dad and on his right his brother.

Two weeks passed and then my dad came back from Iran with passports for all of us. Our journey to Europe started at this very moment. In the 90's people didn't really have much money but thank god my dad had worked a lot to have some savings. 

We left Hawlér and our next destination was Zakho and from there we took a bus to Turkey. It was October 1991. Luckily we spent less than 3 weeks in Turkey and from there we managed to take a train straight to Bulgaria.

We were one country closer to our save haven.

My older brother, I and my oldest sister. One of our first pictures together in Bulgaria.

This is my beautiful mom and my little brother, who was just few months when we left Kurdistan.

We lived together with another family in Bulgaria, also Kurds. 

Bulgaria was very snowy and we arrived there just before Christmas. Experiencing snow with that amount was something incredible for us. I still remember how much fun I had playing outside but I wasn't happy. Once again my dad had left us. He and his brother left us and went to Finland. We stayed with my mom, other uncle and this other family. Being without our father for days, then weeks, then months and then years was simply terrible. We were all so young and my mother didn't even speak the language so that we could get along, but the Bulgarian people were helpful.

My older brother. Bulgaria.

The entire family! I am the one in the front with a pink dress and blue necklace. Bulgaria.

My oldest sister. Bulgaria.

My mom always tells me one story I can never forget. As I said above, we lived in Bulgaria with another family and they had a daughter in the same age as I was. Her dad was with them in Bulgaria so each night her father came home from work and brought us both something sweet. He never forgot me when he got something for her own daughter. So one night, her father came home and brought us both lollipops. I still remember how her daughter ran towards him, jumped on him and hugged him. I was looking at them and I started to cry. I went to my mom and said:

"Why my dad never comes home?"

My mom looks at me and starts to cry and just when this man noticed us he came to me and grabbed me in his arms. I and my mom were both crying and he just looked at me and told me:

"Aren't I here?"

Then he hugged me so tight that I stopped crying. Back then I didn't know how my mom had felt but now I can imagine. She was more heartbroken than we were. She was basically all alone in a foreign country with 4 young children. I don't wonder.

We played all day with the locals and my mom always said that they loved us so much!

It didn't matter where we lived, my mother always stayed loyal to the Kurdish blood. Kurdish dress all the way.

She even did the dishes with that gorgeous dress! 

Here is my older brother with one of our relatives. Also in Bulgaria.

Here is my uncle who stayed with us when my dad left us.

 After year and a half we finally got our passports and we traveled to Finland, where my father waited for us. It was 23rd of April, 1993. It took us almost 2 years to find a save haven and Finland become our next home.

The one with a black jacket is my father and the one with a purple suit is my uncle. Here we are at the airport of Finland. The first day of our arrival.

Reuniting with my cousins in Finland.

Leaving your home is never easy, but sometimes it's a necessity. Once in a while I think what would've happened if we had stayed in Kurdistan, would I be still the person I am today. Most probably not, but I know for sure that Finland offered my family a home when our home was taken away from us.

We can do so little to repay Finland, but ought to do our best. Therefore we as a family are grateful for everything we got from this beautiful country.

Our cousins visited our house in Finland.

Oh I still remember this! Playing outside with my siblings.

I believe these are one of our first photos with out Finnish friends.

Our youngest sister was born in Finland.

Local Kindergarten, with my siblings.

I and my little brother were inseparable. Still are. 

Two cuties, sister and brother.

Famous Kulicha making with the family.

I know lot of people are leaving Kurdistan currently, but I truly hope they wouldn't. Even if our family left, I don't urge everyone to leave. Our country, our golden land Kurdistan still needs all of us and we need to have faith in our people and in our Kurdistan.

My mother and her first child. Kurdistan.

To finish our story, I would like to say it was a unique journey and we were lucky enough to receive only the best from all of the countries we passed but the final destination Finland was the crown to all of it.

Thank you Finland

The Two Parallel Worlds of Finland and Kurdistan

After work I met a friend and we had a cup of coffee. Once I got back home it was close to 8 PM. Couple of hours passed even though it felt like minutes. I opened my convertible sofa and laid on it. I was literally exhausted even though my daily job is not physically tiring just mentally.

Now it was 10 PM and my little sister came to lay next to me. As I was looking at her, I couldn't help myself thinking what if one day I lost her. I can't name a single person in this universe that would never fight with their siblings and we are no different from others. There are days when I can't even stand looking at her because she knows exactly how to piss me off. Nevertheless, I love her a lot and I can't think of anything bad happening to her. There are days when I worry how will she manage if someone treats her bad, or what if she gets lost on her way to a new place. Even a thought of letting her go study alone in a new city freaks me out. I mean how will she manage all by herself! She is just a kid -and in reality she is already 18 years old. 

I guess its love.

I remember an incident from 2009 like yesterday. My little sister was around 12/13 years old and she called me in the morning. She was in school and I was just about to start my shift. I answered the call and in a matter of seconds I felt like my heart jumped to my throat. She was crying over the phone screaming "stop it! leave me alone!". I was in a shock but I managed to get myself together and ask her "what's going on!". No answer, but I only heard her crying over the phone telling me to help her. I couldn't take it anymore and I yelled her name and demanded her to answer me. Finally she told me another girl is bullying her and she is scared because she couldn't defend herself. 

I will never forget that call.

We all know how it feels like when we are completely helpless and our hands are tied. The day I received the call from my sister was the worst day in my entire life. Why? Because I was so damn helpless. I was too far away from her. I couldn't protect her. I couldn't make her stop crying. Most of all, I couldn't teach a lesson to the bully.

No one can argue the strong bond between siblings and loved ones. If we truly care for someone there is not a single thing in this world we wouldn't do to protect them.

Let's think of a parallel world, but don't forget my little sisters' incident. Right now I am laying down on a warm bed with a peace of mind, I feel safe and my stomach is full. I know deep down in my heart even thought I might sometimes forget it that I am blessed. I am blessed since I know the next morning I open my eyes it's a new day with a bright future ahead. I also know that the sky is clear and the day is mine to take.

At the exact same time, but in a different world there is a little child. Whose same minute is uncertain not to even mention the next morning. He is not safe. His stomach is empty. While I have a peace of mind he is shedding tears. The tears are the size of a small bubble, coming down on his cheeks. He is scared. There is not a promise of a safer tomorrow nor a feeling of being cared and loved.

"Just saw this young man crying outside in the rain. Tried talking to him for 20 minutes to see what was wrong but he was too scared to even talk. The strange thing is at least 10 other people walked by and they didn't even seem to notice. He can't have been older than 6; we really have fallen far."

Aryan Qazzaz

The question is, how does this affect me? Well, it doesn't. You are absolutely right. I mean why would you care about someone living in a different world? Miles away if not even light years. See, the point is not about caring, the point is not about doing something, the point is not stopping something bad happening in a different world. 

What's the point then?

Wait, what the flower did I just write.. Rewinding back.

Two different worlds, I mean two Parallel worlds? Oh Hell No. We are actually living on the same god damn planet, living under the same blue sky, enjoying the same ray of light, breathing the same air and YET we separate ourselves with borders of different countries, communicating in languages I have never even heard, we drink and dance differently depending on the culture and then again I sleep in a warm bed but that kid up there is crying bubble tears.

Hmm.. What does my little sisters' incident, this kid and the two parallel worlds got to do with each other? EVERYTHING.

My little sister is everything to me, she is family, and that is the reason why I can never think of living without her. That's why I want to protect her with each breath I got. This feeling, this need of protecting family shouldn't be only for the close people. This feeling and need should be for the whole world. We are not living in two different worlds, we are all the same no matter how hard we try to prove other wise. 

It doesn't matter if you are rich or poor, beautiful or ugly, because at the end we all turn into dust and rest in identical graves.

I'm not here to preach any of you, I just want to give you some insight. We should do our best every single day to help each other. We need to hold on to the thought of Family and the strong bond between us. We are the destruction of humanity, which means we are also the key for the salvation of humanity.  

Look into these eyes and decide for yourself.

Explain Again, Why Do I Need a Man?

Being a woman is more than just becoming a wife when 

finding the right man -at least for Kurds. 

Yes, it's true that due to our geographical location our women should be nothing else than just order obeying daughters and wives. Yes, it's true that Kurdistan is an Islamic country and it makes any western doubt our rights as a woman.But are we oppressed eastern women? Hell no.

I'm a woman and I personally stand for independent, hard working and goal-achieving Kurdish women. When did the mainstream media become a manipulative source of information? Ugh, I guess the day they invented media. 

For days I've been thinking of this topic since it is more than a recent topic, when considering what's going on in Middle East and the whole world in general. We talk about degraded women rights in Middle East but highly valued woman rights in the West. Really? Is it just the ignorance of the West to see the whole Middle East as one? Is it the educated West and the uneducated Middle East? 

I want to clean the air and express myself by telling you all how a Kurdish woman truly is!

"Behind every man, there is not a woman. She is beside him, she is with him, not behind him"

-Tariq Ramadan

We have women fighting side by side with our men

We have women in politics; making decisions with men as equals

We have women as police officers

We have women representing the Great Kurdistan

I am sure not many of you expected this, but it does not matter since I am here to show you even more! Maybe you think, the pictures above are about people who belong to the "upper-class", hence does not really represent the whole nation. Or does it? I have had the privilege to interview some Kurdish women who more than proudly represent most of us. 

 

Without mentioning any names I decided to interview Kurdish mothers all around the world. I chose to interview mothers because they are already occupied with the household, being a mom and at the same time a wife. I asked them questions such as:

How do they manage being a mother, a wife and at the same time follow their dreams?

What were their dreams and did their husband support them?

What are they doing today?

I got many answers and most of them did not surprise me because I knew Kurdish women are strong and willing to go that extra mile in order to make everything happen. Most of the interviewers were working and not just being a stay-home mom. One was even starting her own business and she inspired me by her plans. I wish nothing but success to all of them!



The question is, what is my point in all this?

My point is that nowadays women are stronger than before. We have a voice none can take away, we have motivation and most of all we thrive for success. What do Kurdish women do? We make sure the whole world knows our name, knows our background and definitely knows which way we are going. And let me tell you, there is no way than straight to the top!