What am I doing in Tallinn University?

Before I chose where will I study and what should I study, I was doing lot of soul searching and I came to realise that I want to do something great in the future. I'm sure most of us think the same way, but I'm also willing to work for it 110 %.

Today's world is quite a mess and it seems like war is affecting on all of us. Even when you live far way up in the North, it still affects you one way or another. I'm no Mother Theresa but I would love to do my share in helping as well. This is one of the main reasons why I chose Tallinn University.

I applied to do my masters in International Relations and major in International Security and Conflict Studies. After going through the programmes course descriptions, I knew this is the right university for me. When I submitted my application, I was in a rush to send out all of my documents. Thank god there were time for that, because otherwise I wouldn't have made it on time. Also to be quite honest I was impressed how smoothly the application went by. The whole process was basically done online and not for a second was I confused because through every step there were instructions on what to do.  All of the universities in Estonia use a site called Dream Apply (have a look if you want).

Tallinn University, Narva manatee 29.

Studying abroad is always a bit scary because we from Finland are used to a very high standard and in my experience not a single University in the world can reach to Finland's standard. How wrong was I.. When you live inside of a glass box, you do look outside but you never get the chance to breath the air from the other side of the glass. This is how I felt after the first night in my own house in Tallinn.

The first few classes were quite exciting for me. I had heard a lot about Tallinn University but of course I had my reservations towards it as well. I wasn't sure of the level of teaching but oh how happy I was when most of our professors were from abroad and all of them had one of the greatest backgrounds! Obviously everyone has their favourite professors by now and I also do!

Before I got accepted to this program, I had an interview with Professor Matthew Crandall, he is the programme administrator of International Relations. Already at the interview I felt like wow, this professor is amazing! After getting to know him more, I was so surprised for how supportive and amazing he is! Whatever concern or problem I had, he was always there to help me out. I can't figure out a single teacher/professor who was like this back in Finland. We students need to thrive and if we don't have the right kind of support, we will never have the courage to dig a little bit deeper. I don't want to be one of the mass, I want to be something different. I want to break the rules and create something new. And honestly, I know Tallinn University will be the right platform for me to do this.

Professor Matthew Crandall, at Tallinn University.

I know many Finns have expectations towards Universities in Estonia, some are bad and soma are good. I can't defend all of the Universities but I can definitely defend Tallinn University and my program. This university is giving me chances I didn't even know existed and I can't wait to talk about journey. I have big dreams and bigger goals, and I truly hope all of you will be with me on this great journey.

With love,
Taj

Talk about Kurdish problems..

Lately I've had the chance to really think about the things we women go through. To be more precise I've thought about all of the chances we have in life and the chances we can never reach due to our circumstances - whether it is culture or religion.

My thoughts aren't based on any facts hence don't take them as the absolute truth. But doesn't it sometimes piss you off that Kurdish women always have to explain themselves? If we are too smart, then we are arrogant. If we are successful, then we surely have used our feminine ways to reach that far (not gonna open up that more - I'm sure you know what I  mean). If we want more from life than a Kurdish man and kids, then we must be rebels. If some of the lucky ones actually reach to the point they've dreamed and worked hard for, then they are judged so harshly that you can't believe your eyes nor ears. 

Throughout my life I've always tried to please others. I've always wanted to be part of something. I've always felt like I'm missing out because I'm already 26 years old and I don't have a husband (believe me, in our culture I'm already a lost case and no one wants me). I've always thought of the things I should do than the things I want to do. When someone asks me "why don't you just do it" my answer is almost always "because I can't". I feel so trapped because I need to live up to every expectations made up for me. For those who don't know the Kurdish culture, let me open it up a bit.

In most families, not all of course, women differ a lot from men. Women are more protected and more controlled because women are the crown jewel of the family, women are the pride and if they do something that isn't acceptable it's same as the family has lost all of their pride. Talk about pressure! 

So when you are thinking about what to do this weekend I need to think what to say to my parents to even go out. Of course in many situations I'm pretty lucky from other Kurdish women. I can educate myself, I can work and I can have a brain (seriously, I'm not exaggerating). My parents don't expect me to just settle down with someone (even tho they wish me to do so), they don't tell me what to do and when but all they ask of me is to take care of my dignity and image. You think that's easy?

Kurds are so curious on other Kurds life's that if you want to keep something to yourself it's almost impossible. I live in Europe, in a country where equality is confirmed by law but it doesn't mean that it will automatically actualize in every household. Even the most simplest things are more difficult to overcome than you might think. As an example I can't just go out in the middle of the night and say "I'll be back". Not to mention living by myself, having a boyfriend or going on a holiday with my friends.

I'm not writing this to complain that I want to do all these things, because believe it or not I don't want these things. I wan't something much more. I love to live with my parents because I'm never alone, dinner is always ready when I come from work, our house is always clean and I have the most loving parents. So why would I want to move out and be alone? I don't want that. I've compensated these things with a hunger for success and a strong will to educate myself as much as I can. I believe that short-term satisfaction is nothing compared to the long-term satisfaction that will ultimately lead to true happiness.

We people are so eager to live in the moment and suffocate ourselves with happiness and good feeling that lasts a moment. What we forget is that nothing good comes easy and if we truly want something we need to suck up the pain and keep our eyes on the target.

So to conclude and gather my thoughts I want to let you all know that life isn't supposed to be easy and some of us got more obstacles on our way than the rest. Therefore never compare yourself with others because we all got our own battles to win. Shitty things happens to everyone everyday but what truly matters is how we react on it. 

Dare to dig a bit deeper, fight against the obstacles and challenge yourself for the rest of your life. Don't settle for today when you have tomorrow.

From Finland to Kurdistan: Studying in the University of Kurdistan - Hawlér (UKH) part 2

I would underestimate myself if I said that the exchange semester in Kurdistan didn't have major impact on my personal growth. Because it did.

As I said on my previous blog posts, I didn't really choose to do my exchange in Kurdistan - I was forced due to having no other choice. But I am glad I had no other choice. I grew up between two cultures and I never really felt being a Kurd but rather a lost soul who tried to convince herself that she is a Finn no matter her appearance. But see, I am not just a Kurd nor a Finn and I realized this only after me exchange.

I was in my 20's when I flew to Kurdistan and as many others also I didn't really know who I am. It certainly didn't help that I didn't speak fluently my mother language. I started the semester in October 2011. I was really happy that all of the students in the university spoke fluent English therefore I didn't have to speak in Kurdish. Actually many of them didn't even know I'm a Kurd. I guess they thought I'm just another Western girl lost in Kurdistan. Only after few weeks I spoke in Kurdish and to the student's reaction I felt ashamed since my accent was funny to them. 

I woke up everyday before 8 am, had breakfast and went to my classes. The first day was terrible. I sat at the front of the class, opened my bag and grabbed my pens and notebook. I laid my pens on the desk in order and notebook next to it. I was surprised that none of my classmates had even a pen with them. So since day one I felt like a joke, because to them I was weird for carrying multiple pens.

I don't know if it was only this university, or the culture or the society but the amount of sarcasm was astonishing. Obviously I had no experience in people who made fun of others just for the fun of it so most of the sarcastic comments didn't even reach my understanding. Call it being stupid but honestly I just didn't understand where it came from. Sure its easy to pick on the new girl who didn't understand "the local way" nor spoke fluently her mother language. To be quite honest the first few months were hell to me. There wasn't a single day I didn't go back home with a sad face. 

One of the days that hurt me the most was a day when I went to uni with a skirt I thought was beautiful. Only few hours had passed when one of my male classmates came to me and said "Taj, you know that dress is too short and not acceptable?" I was shocked because honestly it was just above my knee. Then he continued "Everyone is talking about you and making fun of you." My eyes were filled with tears but I hold it in. I just excused myself and ran to the ladies room and just cried. To me that feeling was terrible because no one has ever told me how to dress plus I was just depressed so I just couldn't hold it anymore. It took me just 15 min to realize that I won't survive a week unless I start to live and act as everyone else does.

I texted that same male classmate and asked a ride home. He was so kind that of course he took me home. Once I got home I asked him to wait for 5 min. I went to my room, threw away the skirt and put on a dress with more acceptable length. I gathered myself and walked back to the car. He looked at me once and knew I'm going to handle this no matter what. We went back to uni and I walked to my next class without feeling a hint of awkwardness but I knew everyone was looking at me and that I had changed my clothes for a reason. Since that day I didn't let anyone walk on me.

First I asked my cousins to correct me each time I said something wrong, I asked them also to teach me how to read and write in Kurdish letters. I learned in less than few weeks. I started out by reading all the signs and rewriting song lyrics and let me tell you I succeeded so well that I even surprised myself!

After a while I started making friends who I had so much fun with. They showed me around, taught me how to behave in certain situations and most of all they taught me not to carry around a god damn pen because no one uses it there. :D My classmates and friends started to call me "gandal" which meant "corrupted", and I didn't mind it because it was true. I was corrupted by the society, the uni and even my friends. The only thing that mattered was that I accepted being corrupted because I wanted to be part of the society, to know my culture, language and roots. 

It didn't take long until I attended all the seminars provided by the uni, exhibitions and many other. I learned a lot during those 6 months but what I really learned was that each culture is different and even being a Kurd doesn't automatically mean you can handle the pressure. I certainly didn't but I learned to. 

To sum up I need to say that each and one of us should have the chance the explore themselves even if it means stepping out of their comfort-zone and exploring something new and maybe even awful. It all comes down to how will you act upon it. If I had truly gone the depression road I wouldn't have learned as much as I did, I wouldn't have learned the culture and the language and most of all I wouldn't be the person I am today. 

Have faith when everything seems hopeless and have courage when all seems to be lost because you never know what lies behind the closed door.

Kurdistan is Our Home

The other day I came home from work and I heard my dad talking on the phone with our relative. They were talking about when would our relative leave Kurdistan for good and settle down in Europe, Finland.

The more I think about it, the more I want to know what our fellow Kurds back home really think about leaving Kurdistan. I asked the question below in a Kurdish group, and I got plenty of good answers!

After couple of hours few of the Kurds answered me with their thoughts and opinions. Many thought that leaving Kurdistan would never be an option and for some it would be the best decision they would ever do. So why is that?

"Kurdistan has a lot of problems but living in another country is even worse. Kurds living abroad usually have satisfied needs in term of their life needs, but they always have one problem: home sickness."  -Ahmed Duhoki

I personally grew up in Finland so I could say Finland is my home, but I can't because it is not. Surely Finland has given me everything and I can't show my gratitude enough, but there is always home sickness, a sense of belonging, shared culture and language. I am not alone in this, because many Kurds abroad share the same feelings.

"For many it's a golden ticket to a better life but of course it comes with lot of disadvantages too. Right now Kurdistan is a mess in the hands of the corrupted people so I am glad I chose to leave it but there are other times I think why did I leave my motherland, because at the end home is where your mother is." -Shaho Ahmed

 Indeed.. Home. Where is your home? Is it in Kurdistan, Europe, The States or Africa? Shaho Ahmed defined home to us better than I could've ever defined it. But what if my mother is here with me, in Finland? I still say my home is in Kurdistan and that will never change.

"No, we know the hardness of life out of Kurdistan but at least we know life abroad is fair."-Miran Shamall

"I've been in Kurdistan for 3 years and each day I hate it more and more. Imagine how the people who have lived here all of their life feel? Yes, they will try anything to get away from this hell hole." -Gilan Norie

Life is hard no matter where you are, it just depends on the perception one got. As Ahmed Duhoki put it "Building a good life can be done anywhere under any situation. It depends on how hard you want to build that good life", it all comes down to you personally. Some have seen the worst of life hence they would cherish every second of something good even if its 2 hours of electricity per day but then there are some who are so used to a good life that having everything is still not enough because they can't adjust to the Kurdish mentality. 

" I was born in Europe so I had no choice but I am grateful. I need to make enough money to be able to help my family back home." -Serxwebûn Agirî

"I went back with my husband and two kids, we both had offered great jobs, and it took us 11 months to change our minds again. Once you have seen both Kurdistan and another country, you really can't make up your mind. If I was living alone I would be living there but as a mother I can't just think of myself." -Shayma Sadiq

Those who left Kurdistan back in the 80's and 90's didn't really have much of a choice. Whose parent wouldn't want to provide their children a brighter future? Those Kurds who succeeded safely all the way to Europe are mostly there to do their best. But we will never forget our country, we will never stop helping our people because to us it will always be our home. 

"There are people who came back to Kurdistan and never wish to leave it again, some burn their passports, some lives like a king, and then some are ready to pay anything to get an European residency permit." - Soran Mohammed

 I'm not arguing that life ain't difficult in Kurdistan, but I am arguing on is leaving your home today really worth it? You could live in the middle of the desert or forest and still try to live a good life since as previously mentioned it all goes down to you. 

"Kurdistan is like a mother for us, even tho there isn't a quality life here, our soul will be hungry if we are far away from mother's lap. Even those living overseas will come back to their mother's hug." -Shahkawan H. Qadir

That said, Kurdistan is our mother land and we are Kurdistan's future. Kurdistan is and will always be our home and no distance can take that away from us. This is my home.

How to Reach Your Goals?

Yesterday we had dinner with my colleges at a Swedish restaurant in Stockholm City. While we were waiting for our main course to arrive, we were sipping drinks and talking at the same time. One of them said: 

"it would never be boring to be friends with you because one day you are moving back to Kurdistan, the next day you are planning to get your masters in Estonia and day after that all of your plans have changed."

I couldn't stop laughing. I laughed so loud that at one point it kinda got a bit weird. 

Thank god I know how to react fast so I replied: 

"BUT, I always have the same destination. The journey keeps changing because there are so many routes and I cannot decide which one is the best, so sometimes I choose all of them at the same time."  

Obviously at that precise moment I didn't think about it more than that. 

Seriously speaking, how many of you thinks about their goals and destinations every day? How many of you gets up, looks into the mirror and says "Today I am one day closer to my goal"? I bet not many. Tho I know there are some people in this world who are so determinant that their every breath is towards their goals. These people work day and night without getting tired or frustrated. Why? Because they are willing to work for everything they want.

I want to believe that I am this type of a person. I have my goal written on my forehead, stained in my heart and clear in my eyes. So how did I do this? 

The first thing I did was figuring out what do I want from life.

These goals don't necessarily need to be life changing, world peace or curing cancer -even tho they can be these too. Only you can set your goals and only you can achieve them. So make sure its for yourself and not for your parents, partner, friends or people you hate (yah, sometimes we want to impress people we don't even like!). Instead only focus on yourself. Take a deep breath and listen to your heart, after this start writing them down.

The second thing I did was to think of ways how to achieve my goals.

I think this is the most hardest part, at least for myself. Sometimes I think there are thousand things I want to do, million things I want to experience and billion things I want to learn. Life feels way too short! I guess in times like these we should stop and think for a second. We need to put our goals into sections and achieve them step by step. I know it can be hard sometimes but believe me when I say it will be much harder to look at someone who is living their dream already and you are just sitting there and doing nothing.

It might take even half of your life before you achieve your goals, but its much better to live a life with a purpose than wake up everyday without a good reason. Life doesn't necessarily have a meaning but you can change that. You can decide to believe in yourself and then focus on how to improve yourself to the person you want.

The third thing I did was maintaining my everyday life with my goals.

Never stop reading! I feel like sometimes we are forgetting how much there is still to learn and instead we spend all our days in Facebook liking idiotic photos, scrolling down Instagram over and over again and Whatsapping random stuff to our friends. Are we that afraid to sit down, grab a book and just relax? I'll make it easy for you. On your way to school, uni or work take a book with you. Instead of playing with your phone read a book for that 20 min. That's what I do and it really works. 

I didn't want to write very specific ways of reaching your goals, because I would be just lying to you and myself. No one can tell you how to exactly reach them, but what you can do is get to know yourself. Stay determined and make it happen!

Strong and Independent

Strong and Independent. What does it bring to your mind? I grew up in the Western society and in my mind being strong and independent means I study hard, I graduate with grades that gives me plenty of opportunities to succeed in the working environment. Also it means I am not depending on anyone, not socially or financially. 

Being strong and independent means I won't let anyone bring me down. Most importantly I work hard to kick asses, not to mention I demand equality between women and men. 

We strive for success. 

But what if all of our beliefs and ideologies flipped around, and we go back to where it all started. When the only thought we had was being Free, when the only thought we had was to Live, and when the only thought we had was to have Peace.

How did we do this? We fought with blood and pain. Isn't odd that we have to go back to the history and let it repeat all over again, even when we are living in the new century, in the new era? It is, it's very odd. 

"The history will mention them as Great Warriors and they are the only force who could stand against the horrifying beast, so proud to see women fighting along with our men." 

-Ayad R. Slevani

Now you might wonder, who am I talking about? Who are these "Great Warriors"? Who are these freedom fighters? Well dear readers, let me tell you who are they.

They are your sisters and mothers. They are your nation. 

The Strong and Independent: 

Kurdish Female Warriors

They are our Strong and Independent women fighting with our men. Equality at it's best. 

"Kurdish women's participation in the war means equality between men and women" 

-Saman Naseh

Forget the idea you had of Strong and Independent women because I am here to introduce you a new idea, a new concept and definitely a new world. You don't need to be a successful business woman, a doctor or a lawyer to be Strong and Independent. All you need to do is believe in something, and fight for it till the end. Especially when it's about fighting for freedom. Our Female freedom fighters are fighting for us everyday, so that our future is guaranteed. They are fighting against an ideology, an ideology that wants to take away our very existence. 

Our women are fighting against IS (Islamic State) better than the Western World. Why? Because they believe in Equal Freedom! The West maybe invented the Concept of Freedom and printed it in every dictionary but it is our women who nails it and shows in action what it really means.

"A Living and soon to be historical proof that women can be as

 tough and intimidating as 

men. When freedom, lives and land was on the stake, it was 

our women who took the step 

forward to defend our honor and dignity, which is a proof of 

their incomparable ability, 

courage and strength." -Ranj Barzanji

"When they see a woman with a gun, they're

so afraid they begin to shake. They portray 

themselves as tough guys to the world. But 

when they see us with our guns they run

away. They see a woman as just a small

thing. But one of our women is worth a

hundred of their men."

Source: http://www.bbc.com/news/world-middle-east-29085242

Because of our Kurdish freedom fighters, these women have broken all the universal laws that women are incapable to fight for freedom. It's not about holding a gun, it is about believing in a better future for all of us. Not being oppressed by anyone. Not anymore. 

I believe in these women, I believe they will rewrite the history and I believe in Freedom. Just as they do. Share love and have faith because these women are here to stay!

GOD BLESS KURDISTAN