What am I doing in Tallinn University?

Before I chose where will I study and what should I study, I was doing lot of soul searching and I came to realise that I want to do something great in the future. I'm sure most of us think the same way, but I'm also willing to work for it 110 %.

Today's world is quite a mess and it seems like war is affecting on all of us. Even when you live far way up in the North, it still affects you one way or another. I'm no Mother Theresa but I would love to do my share in helping as well. This is one of the main reasons why I chose Tallinn University.

I applied to do my masters in International Relations and major in International Security and Conflict Studies. After going through the programmes course descriptions, I knew this is the right university for me. When I submitted my application, I was in a rush to send out all of my documents. Thank god there were time for that, because otherwise I wouldn't have made it on time. Also to be quite honest I was impressed how smoothly the application went by. The whole process was basically done online and not for a second was I confused because through every step there were instructions on what to do.  All of the universities in Estonia use a site called Dream Apply (have a look if you want).

Tallinn University, Narva manatee 29.

Studying abroad is always a bit scary because we from Finland are used to a very high standard and in my experience not a single University in the world can reach to Finland's standard. How wrong was I.. When you live inside of a glass box, you do look outside but you never get the chance to breath the air from the other side of the glass. This is how I felt after the first night in my own house in Tallinn.

The first few classes were quite exciting for me. I had heard a lot about Tallinn University but of course I had my reservations towards it as well. I wasn't sure of the level of teaching but oh how happy I was when most of our professors were from abroad and all of them had one of the greatest backgrounds! Obviously everyone has their favourite professors by now and I also do!

Before I got accepted to this program, I had an interview with Professor Matthew Crandall, he is the programme administrator of International Relations. Already at the interview I felt like wow, this professor is amazing! After getting to know him more, I was so surprised for how supportive and amazing he is! Whatever concern or problem I had, he was always there to help me out. I can't figure out a single teacher/professor who was like this back in Finland. We students need to thrive and if we don't have the right kind of support, we will never have the courage to dig a little bit deeper. I don't want to be one of the mass, I want to be something different. I want to break the rules and create something new. And honestly, I know Tallinn University will be the right platform for me to do this.

Professor Matthew Crandall, at Tallinn University.

I know many Finns have expectations towards Universities in Estonia, some are bad and soma are good. I can't defend all of the Universities but I can definitely defend Tallinn University and my program. This university is giving me chances I didn't even know existed and I can't wait to talk about journey. I have big dreams and bigger goals, and I truly hope all of you will be with me on this great journey.

With love,
Taj

Something new, something old and something crazy!

It feels like forever since the last time I sat down and typed my thoughts. Maybe its me being busier than before or I'm just lacking the right kind of motivation. Nevertheless, I'm more than back and I got some stories to share!

I'm known by my family and friends to be an exceptionally determined person, but I personally see myself as the type who will take the leap in order to reach my goals and dreams. I've wanted million things in my life and like any other, I've been lost too. It's like you got million roads and options, but none feels the right one. Then there comes a day and it hits you like a wind straight through you. 

For a while now I've wanted to continue my studies and do masters. I wasn't quite sure when would I start my studies but I knew it had something to do with international field. I have a business background and I've worked in this field for years now. I wanted something different.

I was searching educations through Studentum.fi and I found few options just on the other side of the ocean: Estonia. I'm never a last minute type of a person, but applying to do masters in Estonia was definitely last minute decision. I ended up applying to Tallinn University. 

Photo taken by Ada Claire, http://www.firuzehphotography.com.

After this post I will write more about Tallinn University, Life in Estonia and how to mingle between work and studies. I've got plenty of things to share so I hope you all got the interest to follow up on my stories. <3

So.. why Estonia? Why Tallinn University? Honestly, I was desperate for a change. It's not like my life was boring or I had nothing to do, it was just that I needed to challenge myself. If one is just going to work, then home and repeat this for the next few years you will get a burnout or just stop living for yourself. Don't take me wrong, I love my job and I will gladly keep doing what I do. It's just that I needed to do this for myself.

I'm a free spirit and I can't stay in one place forever!

After searching for a while I send my application to Tallinn University and after the application period ended (which was the next day by the way :D ), it was time to send all of my papers. I was so anxious to know what will happen that I couldn't stop thinking about it for days! 

On my next blog I will talk about the application process and explain in more detail why I chose Tallinn University. 

From Finland to Kurdistan: Studying in the University of Kurdistan - Hawlér (UKH) part 2

I would underestimate myself if I said that the exchange semester in Kurdistan didn't have major impact on my personal growth. Because it did.

As I said on my previous blog posts, I didn't really choose to do my exchange in Kurdistan - I was forced due to having no other choice. But I am glad I had no other choice. I grew up between two cultures and I never really felt being a Kurd but rather a lost soul who tried to convince herself that she is a Finn no matter her appearance. But see, I am not just a Kurd nor a Finn and I realized this only after me exchange.

I was in my 20's when I flew to Kurdistan and as many others also I didn't really know who I am. It certainly didn't help that I didn't speak fluently my mother language. I started the semester in October 2011. I was really happy that all of the students in the university spoke fluent English therefore I didn't have to speak in Kurdish. Actually many of them didn't even know I'm a Kurd. I guess they thought I'm just another Western girl lost in Kurdistan. Only after few weeks I spoke in Kurdish and to the student's reaction I felt ashamed since my accent was funny to them. 

I woke up everyday before 8 am, had breakfast and went to my classes. The first day was terrible. I sat at the front of the class, opened my bag and grabbed my pens and notebook. I laid my pens on the desk in order and notebook next to it. I was surprised that none of my classmates had even a pen with them. So since day one I felt like a joke, because to them I was weird for carrying multiple pens.

I don't know if it was only this university, or the culture or the society but the amount of sarcasm was astonishing. Obviously I had no experience in people who made fun of others just for the fun of it so most of the sarcastic comments didn't even reach my understanding. Call it being stupid but honestly I just didn't understand where it came from. Sure its easy to pick on the new girl who didn't understand "the local way" nor spoke fluently her mother language. To be quite honest the first few months were hell to me. There wasn't a single day I didn't go back home with a sad face. 

One of the days that hurt me the most was a day when I went to uni with a skirt I thought was beautiful. Only few hours had passed when one of my male classmates came to me and said "Taj, you know that dress is too short and not acceptable?" I was shocked because honestly it was just above my knee. Then he continued "Everyone is talking about you and making fun of you." My eyes were filled with tears but I hold it in. I just excused myself and ran to the ladies room and just cried. To me that feeling was terrible because no one has ever told me how to dress plus I was just depressed so I just couldn't hold it anymore. It took me just 15 min to realize that I won't survive a week unless I start to live and act as everyone else does.

I texted that same male classmate and asked a ride home. He was so kind that of course he took me home. Once I got home I asked him to wait for 5 min. I went to my room, threw away the skirt and put on a dress with more acceptable length. I gathered myself and walked back to the car. He looked at me once and knew I'm going to handle this no matter what. We went back to uni and I walked to my next class without feeling a hint of awkwardness but I knew everyone was looking at me and that I had changed my clothes for a reason. Since that day I didn't let anyone walk on me.

First I asked my cousins to correct me each time I said something wrong, I asked them also to teach me how to read and write in Kurdish letters. I learned in less than few weeks. I started out by reading all the signs and rewriting song lyrics and let me tell you I succeeded so well that I even surprised myself!

After a while I started making friends who I had so much fun with. They showed me around, taught me how to behave in certain situations and most of all they taught me not to carry around a god damn pen because no one uses it there. :D My classmates and friends started to call me "gandal" which meant "corrupted", and I didn't mind it because it was true. I was corrupted by the society, the uni and even my friends. The only thing that mattered was that I accepted being corrupted because I wanted to be part of the society, to know my culture, language and roots. 

It didn't take long until I attended all the seminars provided by the uni, exhibitions and many other. I learned a lot during those 6 months but what I really learned was that each culture is different and even being a Kurd doesn't automatically mean you can handle the pressure. I certainly didn't but I learned to. 

To sum up I need to say that each and one of us should have the chance the explore themselves even if it means stepping out of their comfort-zone and exploring something new and maybe even awful. It all comes down to how will you act upon it. If I had truly gone the depression road I wouldn't have learned as much as I did, I wouldn't have learned the culture and the language and most of all I wouldn't be the person I am today. 

Have faith when everything seems hopeless and have courage when all seems to be lost because you never know what lies behind the closed door.

This is What Genocide Looks Like

Take a close look at the picture below.

Now Imagine this is your child. Imagine you had to leave your home with a hope of a save haven for your child. Not for yourself, but for your child. You are going through hell right here on earth.

I am actually speechless for all the war crimes ISIS is doing against humanity. I am numb for all the hate in the world. I am powerless because we can't stop the war or the hate.

I still remember like it was yesterday when I was listening to my history teacher and he was talking about Hitler's war crimes. At that time I was thinking "wow, and no one did anything to stop him. What a world!". I never guessed that 10 years later I would be the one to witness such cruelty. History keeps repeating itself and we never learn. Do we?

I know what you are thinking. Lots of kids are dying everyday in Asia, Africa and in the whole world. But when will we stand up and say "Enough is enough!". We can't keep letting our people die because they are running away from war! I mean how can we sleep in our cozy warm beds when we know there are people dying because of our style of living?! Our standards and needs are so high that we keep asking for more and more, and who gets hurt? Guess twice.

I won't get into too much politics, because it's one woman's opinion. What we need to do is put our focus on humanity, instead of who wins and who looses.  We are living in the same god damn world, same bubble but yet we have two separate worlds: The West and the East. The rich and the poor. We are breathing the same air, enjoying the same rain and sunset but yet we somehow feel more privileged and close our borders from the ones in need. Not to even mention the rich Arab countries who ain't moving even one finger!

I mean what the hell?!

Since when our lives have prices and labels? Since when I am more privileged just because I was lucky enough to live in one of the safest places in the world? Since when we human beings are the smartest race in the world? Huh..what a laugh! At least animals care for each other, at least animals show compassion and empathy towards one and another.

I am simply disgusted and I blame the world leaders and their unbelievable greediness.

Let's all make a stand and do our part. Always remember to help each other, always show love instead of hate and always remember this innocent child.

May this angel rest in peace.

Our story in 1991: From Kurdistan To Finland

"It was March 1991 and the sky was pitch dark. Our home was invaded, our people were dying and we were walking through war zone in a hope of finding a save haven." 

-My mom

In 1991 Kurds were persecuted by Saddam Hussein's army and just like every other Kurd also our family migrated from his Regime. My parents wanted a saver world for their children and this is a story of our journey.

Unlike the other 2 million Kurds who fled Saddam Hussein's regime, we were lucky. In March 1991 our family was separated because the Iraqi army killed all the Kurdish men but saved women and children so my father had to leave. He went to the border of Iran with his brothers and stayed there for over a month. We on the other hand were in constant danger so one night our mother took me, my older sister and brother to his brother's house because they were the few ones who actually had a bomb shelter. We spent there approximately 2 days and all we heard was bombs exploding and gun shootings. We were scared to death.   

On the following days my mom and her sister had the courage to go outside because we were about to be without any food or water, so under pressure they went to see what is going on outside. The view was incredible. People were coming back to their houses and life was starting again in the heart of Kurdistan, Hawlér. 

My mom gathered the children and we went back to our own house, still without our father. After sometime my grandfather went to get my dad back because during that time there were no telephones or internet for that matter. We didn't even know if my dad was still alive. Finally after many weeks we saw our dad again.

Time had passed but situation in Hawlér was still unstable. One day a man knocked on our door and asked for my dad. This man came to take us to Europe. One of my uncles left Kurdistan many years before us, so once he heard what's going on he sent one of his friends to us so that also we can leave Kurdistan and find ourselves a new saver home. So this man showed my father pictures of my uncle and us as well just to assure my dad he is for real. Once again my dad left us for weeks. He went to Iran to get us all Iraqi Passports so that we can leave Kurdistan. These passports were fake but during that time no one had "real" passports anyways.

The man on the left is the one who helped us and the man in the middle is my dad and on his right his brother.

Two weeks passed and then my dad came back from Iran with passports for all of us. Our journey to Europe started at this very moment. In the 90's people didn't really have much money but thank god my dad had worked a lot to have some savings. 

We left Hawlér and our next destination was Zakho and from there we took a bus to Turkey. It was October 1991. Luckily we spent less than 3 weeks in Turkey and from there we managed to take a train straight to Bulgaria.

We were one country closer to our save haven.

My older brother, I and my oldest sister. One of our first pictures together in Bulgaria.

This is my beautiful mom and my little brother, who was just few months when we left Kurdistan.

We lived together with another family in Bulgaria, also Kurds. 

Bulgaria was very snowy and we arrived there just before Christmas. Experiencing snow with that amount was something incredible for us. I still remember how much fun I had playing outside but I wasn't happy. Once again my dad had left us. He and his brother left us and went to Finland. We stayed with my mom, other uncle and this other family. Being without our father for days, then weeks, then months and then years was simply terrible. We were all so young and my mother didn't even speak the language so that we could get along, but the Bulgarian people were helpful.

My older brother. Bulgaria.

The entire family! I am the one in the front with a pink dress and blue necklace. Bulgaria.

My oldest sister. Bulgaria.

My mom always tells me one story I can never forget. As I said above, we lived in Bulgaria with another family and they had a daughter in the same age as I was. Her dad was with them in Bulgaria so each night her father came home from work and brought us both something sweet. He never forgot me when he got something for her own daughter. So one night, her father came home and brought us both lollipops. I still remember how her daughter ran towards him, jumped on him and hugged him. I was looking at them and I started to cry. I went to my mom and said:

"Why my dad never comes home?"

My mom looks at me and starts to cry and just when this man noticed us he came to me and grabbed me in his arms. I and my mom were both crying and he just looked at me and told me:

"Aren't I here?"

Then he hugged me so tight that I stopped crying. Back then I didn't know how my mom had felt but now I can imagine. She was more heartbroken than we were. She was basically all alone in a foreign country with 4 young children. I don't wonder.

We played all day with the locals and my mom always said that they loved us so much!

It didn't matter where we lived, my mother always stayed loyal to the Kurdish blood. Kurdish dress all the way.

She even did the dishes with that gorgeous dress! 

Here is my older brother with one of our relatives. Also in Bulgaria.

Here is my uncle who stayed with us when my dad left us.

 After year and a half we finally got our passports and we traveled to Finland, where my father waited for us. It was 23rd of April, 1993. It took us almost 2 years to find a save haven and Finland become our next home.

The one with a black jacket is my father and the one with a purple suit is my uncle. Here we are at the airport of Finland. The first day of our arrival.

Reuniting with my cousins in Finland.

Leaving your home is never easy, but sometimes it's a necessity. Once in a while I think what would've happened if we had stayed in Kurdistan, would I be still the person I am today. Most probably not, but I know for sure that Finland offered my family a home when our home was taken away from us.

We can do so little to repay Finland, but ought to do our best. Therefore we as a family are grateful for everything we got from this beautiful country.

Our cousins visited our house in Finland.

Oh I still remember this! Playing outside with my siblings.

I believe these are one of our first photos with out Finnish friends.

Our youngest sister was born in Finland.

Local Kindergarten, with my siblings.

I and my little brother were inseparable. Still are. 

Two cuties, sister and brother.

Famous Kulicha making with the family.

I know lot of people are leaving Kurdistan currently, but I truly hope they wouldn't. Even if our family left, I don't urge everyone to leave. Our country, our golden land Kurdistan still needs all of us and we need to have faith in our people and in our Kurdistan.

My mother and her first child. Kurdistan.

To finish our story, I would like to say it was a unique journey and we were lucky enough to receive only the best from all of the countries we passed but the final destination Finland was the crown to all of it.

Thank you Finland

How to Reach Your Goals?

Yesterday we had dinner with my colleges at a Swedish restaurant in Stockholm City. While we were waiting for our main course to arrive, we were sipping drinks and talking at the same time. One of them said: 

"it would never be boring to be friends with you because one day you are moving back to Kurdistan, the next day you are planning to get your masters in Estonia and day after that all of your plans have changed."

I couldn't stop laughing. I laughed so loud that at one point it kinda got a bit weird. 

Thank god I know how to react fast so I replied: 

"BUT, I always have the same destination. The journey keeps changing because there are so many routes and I cannot decide which one is the best, so sometimes I choose all of them at the same time."  

Obviously at that precise moment I didn't think about it more than that. 

Seriously speaking, how many of you thinks about their goals and destinations every day? How many of you gets up, looks into the mirror and says "Today I am one day closer to my goal"? I bet not many. Tho I know there are some people in this world who are so determinant that their every breath is towards their goals. These people work day and night without getting tired or frustrated. Why? Because they are willing to work for everything they want.

I want to believe that I am this type of a person. I have my goal written on my forehead, stained in my heart and clear in my eyes. So how did I do this? 

The first thing I did was figuring out what do I want from life.

These goals don't necessarily need to be life changing, world peace or curing cancer -even tho they can be these too. Only you can set your goals and only you can achieve them. So make sure its for yourself and not for your parents, partner, friends or people you hate (yah, sometimes we want to impress people we don't even like!). Instead only focus on yourself. Take a deep breath and listen to your heart, after this start writing them down.

The second thing I did was to think of ways how to achieve my goals.

I think this is the most hardest part, at least for myself. Sometimes I think there are thousand things I want to do, million things I want to experience and billion things I want to learn. Life feels way too short! I guess in times like these we should stop and think for a second. We need to put our goals into sections and achieve them step by step. I know it can be hard sometimes but believe me when I say it will be much harder to look at someone who is living their dream already and you are just sitting there and doing nothing.

It might take even half of your life before you achieve your goals, but its much better to live a life with a purpose than wake up everyday without a good reason. Life doesn't necessarily have a meaning but you can change that. You can decide to believe in yourself and then focus on how to improve yourself to the person you want.

The third thing I did was maintaining my everyday life with my goals.

Never stop reading! I feel like sometimes we are forgetting how much there is still to learn and instead we spend all our days in Facebook liking idiotic photos, scrolling down Instagram over and over again and Whatsapping random stuff to our friends. Are we that afraid to sit down, grab a book and just relax? I'll make it easy for you. On your way to school, uni or work take a book with you. Instead of playing with your phone read a book for that 20 min. That's what I do and it really works. 

I didn't want to write very specific ways of reaching your goals, because I would be just lying to you and myself. No one can tell you how to exactly reach them, but what you can do is get to know yourself. Stay determined and make it happen!

The Two Parallel Worlds of Finland and Kurdistan

After work I met a friend and we had a cup of coffee. Once I got back home it was close to 8 PM. Couple of hours passed even though it felt like minutes. I opened my convertible sofa and laid on it. I was literally exhausted even though my daily job is not physically tiring just mentally.

Now it was 10 PM and my little sister came to lay next to me. As I was looking at her, I couldn't help myself thinking what if one day I lost her. I can't name a single person in this universe that would never fight with their siblings and we are no different from others. There are days when I can't even stand looking at her because she knows exactly how to piss me off. Nevertheless, I love her a lot and I can't think of anything bad happening to her. There are days when I worry how will she manage if someone treats her bad, or what if she gets lost on her way to a new place. Even a thought of letting her go study alone in a new city freaks me out. I mean how will she manage all by herself! She is just a kid -and in reality she is already 18 years old. 

I guess its love.

I remember an incident from 2009 like yesterday. My little sister was around 12/13 years old and she called me in the morning. She was in school and I was just about to start my shift. I answered the call and in a matter of seconds I felt like my heart jumped to my throat. She was crying over the phone screaming "stop it! leave me alone!". I was in a shock but I managed to get myself together and ask her "what's going on!". No answer, but I only heard her crying over the phone telling me to help her. I couldn't take it anymore and I yelled her name and demanded her to answer me. Finally she told me another girl is bullying her and she is scared because she couldn't defend herself. 

I will never forget that call.

We all know how it feels like when we are completely helpless and our hands are tied. The day I received the call from my sister was the worst day in my entire life. Why? Because I was so damn helpless. I was too far away from her. I couldn't protect her. I couldn't make her stop crying. Most of all, I couldn't teach a lesson to the bully.

No one can argue the strong bond between siblings and loved ones. If we truly care for someone there is not a single thing in this world we wouldn't do to protect them.

Let's think of a parallel world, but don't forget my little sisters' incident. Right now I am laying down on a warm bed with a peace of mind, I feel safe and my stomach is full. I know deep down in my heart even thought I might sometimes forget it that I am blessed. I am blessed since I know the next morning I open my eyes it's a new day with a bright future ahead. I also know that the sky is clear and the day is mine to take.

At the exact same time, but in a different world there is a little child. Whose same minute is uncertain not to even mention the next morning. He is not safe. His stomach is empty. While I have a peace of mind he is shedding tears. The tears are the size of a small bubble, coming down on his cheeks. He is scared. There is not a promise of a safer tomorrow nor a feeling of being cared and loved.

"Just saw this young man crying outside in the rain. Tried talking to him for 20 minutes to see what was wrong but he was too scared to even talk. The strange thing is at least 10 other people walked by and they didn't even seem to notice. He can't have been older than 6; we really have fallen far."

Aryan Qazzaz

The question is, how does this affect me? Well, it doesn't. You are absolutely right. I mean why would you care about someone living in a different world? Miles away if not even light years. See, the point is not about caring, the point is not about doing something, the point is not stopping something bad happening in a different world. 

What's the point then?

Wait, what the flower did I just write.. Rewinding back.

Two different worlds, I mean two Parallel worlds? Oh Hell No. We are actually living on the same god damn planet, living under the same blue sky, enjoying the same ray of light, breathing the same air and YET we separate ourselves with borders of different countries, communicating in languages I have never even heard, we drink and dance differently depending on the culture and then again I sleep in a warm bed but that kid up there is crying bubble tears.

Hmm.. What does my little sisters' incident, this kid and the two parallel worlds got to do with each other? EVERYTHING.

My little sister is everything to me, she is family, and that is the reason why I can never think of living without her. That's why I want to protect her with each breath I got. This feeling, this need of protecting family shouldn't be only for the close people. This feeling and need should be for the whole world. We are not living in two different worlds, we are all the same no matter how hard we try to prove other wise. 

It doesn't matter if you are rich or poor, beautiful or ugly, because at the end we all turn into dust and rest in identical graves.

I'm not here to preach any of you, I just want to give you some insight. We should do our best every single day to help each other. We need to hold on to the thought of Family and the strong bond between us. We are the destruction of humanity, which means we are also the key for the salvation of humanity.  

Look into these eyes and decide for yourself.