What am I doing in Tallinn University?

Before I chose where will I study and what should I study, I was doing lot of soul searching and I came to realise that I want to do something great in the future. I'm sure most of us think the same way, but I'm also willing to work for it 110 %.

Today's world is quite a mess and it seems like war is affecting on all of us. Even when you live far way up in the North, it still affects you one way or another. I'm no Mother Theresa but I would love to do my share in helping as well. This is one of the main reasons why I chose Tallinn University.

I applied to do my masters in International Relations and major in International Security and Conflict Studies. After going through the programmes course descriptions, I knew this is the right university for me. When I submitted my application, I was in a rush to send out all of my documents. Thank god there were time for that, because otherwise I wouldn't have made it on time. Also to be quite honest I was impressed how smoothly the application went by. The whole process was basically done online and not for a second was I confused because through every step there were instructions on what to do.  All of the universities in Estonia use a site called Dream Apply (have a look if you want).

Tallinn University, Narva manatee 29.

Studying abroad is always a bit scary because we from Finland are used to a very high standard and in my experience not a single University in the world can reach to Finland's standard. How wrong was I.. When you live inside of a glass box, you do look outside but you never get the chance to breath the air from the other side of the glass. This is how I felt after the first night in my own house in Tallinn.

The first few classes were quite exciting for me. I had heard a lot about Tallinn University but of course I had my reservations towards it as well. I wasn't sure of the level of teaching but oh how happy I was when most of our professors were from abroad and all of them had one of the greatest backgrounds! Obviously everyone has their favourite professors by now and I also do!

Before I got accepted to this program, I had an interview with Professor Matthew Crandall, he is the programme administrator of International Relations. Already at the interview I felt like wow, this professor is amazing! After getting to know him more, I was so surprised for how supportive and amazing he is! Whatever concern or problem I had, he was always there to help me out. I can't figure out a single teacher/professor who was like this back in Finland. We students need to thrive and if we don't have the right kind of support, we will never have the courage to dig a little bit deeper. I don't want to be one of the mass, I want to be something different. I want to break the rules and create something new. And honestly, I know Tallinn University will be the right platform for me to do this.

Professor Matthew Crandall, at Tallinn University.

I know many Finns have expectations towards Universities in Estonia, some are bad and soma are good. I can't defend all of the Universities but I can definitely defend Tallinn University and my program. This university is giving me chances I didn't even know existed and I can't wait to talk about journey. I have big dreams and bigger goals, and I truly hope all of you will be with me on this great journey.

With love,
Taj

Talk about Kurdish problems..

Lately I've had the chance to really think about the things we women go through. To be more precise I've thought about all of the chances we have in life and the chances we can never reach due to our circumstances - whether it is culture or religion.

My thoughts aren't based on any facts hence don't take them as the absolute truth. But doesn't it sometimes piss you off that Kurdish women always have to explain themselves? If we are too smart, then we are arrogant. If we are successful, then we surely have used our feminine ways to reach that far (not gonna open up that more - I'm sure you know what I  mean). If we want more from life than a Kurdish man and kids, then we must be rebels. If some of the lucky ones actually reach to the point they've dreamed and worked hard for, then they are judged so harshly that you can't believe your eyes nor ears. 

Throughout my life I've always tried to please others. I've always wanted to be part of something. I've always felt like I'm missing out because I'm already 26 years old and I don't have a husband (believe me, in our culture I'm already a lost case and no one wants me). I've always thought of the things I should do than the things I want to do. When someone asks me "why don't you just do it" my answer is almost always "because I can't". I feel so trapped because I need to live up to every expectations made up for me. For those who don't know the Kurdish culture, let me open it up a bit.

In most families, not all of course, women differ a lot from men. Women are more protected and more controlled because women are the crown jewel of the family, women are the pride and if they do something that isn't acceptable it's same as the family has lost all of their pride. Talk about pressure! 

So when you are thinking about what to do this weekend I need to think what to say to my parents to even go out. Of course in many situations I'm pretty lucky from other Kurdish women. I can educate myself, I can work and I can have a brain (seriously, I'm not exaggerating). My parents don't expect me to just settle down with someone (even tho they wish me to do so), they don't tell me what to do and when but all they ask of me is to take care of my dignity and image. You think that's easy?

Kurds are so curious on other Kurds life's that if you want to keep something to yourself it's almost impossible. I live in Europe, in a country where equality is confirmed by law but it doesn't mean that it will automatically actualize in every household. Even the most simplest things are more difficult to overcome than you might think. As an example I can't just go out in the middle of the night and say "I'll be back". Not to mention living by myself, having a boyfriend or going on a holiday with my friends.

I'm not writing this to complain that I want to do all these things, because believe it or not I don't want these things. I wan't something much more. I love to live with my parents because I'm never alone, dinner is always ready when I come from work, our house is always clean and I have the most loving parents. So why would I want to move out and be alone? I don't want that. I've compensated these things with a hunger for success and a strong will to educate myself as much as I can. I believe that short-term satisfaction is nothing compared to the long-term satisfaction that will ultimately lead to true happiness.

We people are so eager to live in the moment and suffocate ourselves with happiness and good feeling that lasts a moment. What we forget is that nothing good comes easy and if we truly want something we need to suck up the pain and keep our eyes on the target.

So to conclude and gather my thoughts I want to let you all know that life isn't supposed to be easy and some of us got more obstacles on our way than the rest. Therefore never compare yourself with others because we all got our own battles to win. Shitty things happens to everyone everyday but what truly matters is how we react on it. 

Dare to dig a bit deeper, fight against the obstacles and challenge yourself for the rest of your life. Don't settle for today when you have tomorrow.

From Finland to Kurdistan: Studying in the University of Kurdistan - Hawlér (UKH) part 1

I landed to Hawlér, Kurdistan early in the morning on 1^st of September, 2011. I traveled with my mom and dad because apparently before I can officially enroll to the university I need my dads permission. I still remember how I was thinking where am I going that I need a permission for. Honestly I hadn't any good feelings about my upcoming exchange. Not at all.

With my parents the local Mall - Hawlér, Kurdistan, 2011

I was told that my semester would start on 4^th of September, which was a Sunday. I was a bit skeptic because why would anyone go to so class on Sunday?!  Nevertheless we went there on that Sunday and they told us we are one month early. I wish it had been just us being too early but no.. When we went to the admissions office they actually asked us "who are you exactly?". They didn't have any information about me and to be quiet frank they didn't even know what's the meaning of an exchange student. I was really disappointed and I just looked at my dad with the face "I told you so". 

Couple of days passed and my dad was calling professors, lecturers, admission office and then finally we reached the lovely Vice President of the university. She helped us and took care of all the necessary paper work. You might think why haven't we made sure of the necessary paper work before - but let me tell you: We DID! The head faculty of the Business & Management accepted me as an exchange student but for some reason the information hadn't gone to the admission. 

My exchange in the University of Kurdistan - Hawlér took place in fall 2011 until February 2012. My journey in Kurdistan had a rough start but once I started the actual studies it went down the hill in a blink of an eye. Hahha just joking. The 6 month in Kurdistan truly opened my eyes and the more I spent my days there the more I felt home. 

I had classes from Sunday (believe me, it was quite a surprise to me too) to Thursday. Even tho no one really did any studies on a Thursday because it was mostly just a day off to submit assignments. So for me Thursdays were "let's chill and have some tea at the University's garden". Also one of the few things that was quite cool was that I had a personal driver who picked me up every morning and took me home too. There were public transportation but women barely used to it due to safety reasons plus it wasn't proper if an unmarried lady used a bus. Obviously for me having a personal driver was luxurious because I've used public transportation in Finland since forever.. 

On my next blog I'll discuss the classes and teachers. :)

From Finland to Kurdistan: Exchange Program with University of Kurdistan - Hawlér

"But dad I can't leave now because I still need to do one exam"  

Which obviously was a big fat lie. I just wanted to stay for the Valentine's day party. It's almost 4 years ago when I did an exchange program with the University of Kurdistan Hawlér. To be quiet honest Kurdistan wasn't my first choice, not even second.

When I started my studies at the local university in Finland my main focus and biggest excitement was the chance to do an exchange somewhere in the world. When I explored all the possibilities I landed with a university in Dubai. Can you guess my dad's reaction?

"There is no way I'll let my daughter to be surrounded by Arabs!"

As if the Arabs would eat me. I wanted to go to Dubai because it was everything I wanted: booming economy, high class and of course the shopping malls! After a while I realized there isn't a chance to change my dad's mind. His decision was rock solid. Once my dad saw how disappointed I was he suggested why don't I go to Kurdistan. I was like "Omg what a typical Kurdish dad! Of course he suggests Kurdistan.." At first I didn't really like his idea and I told him many times that I don't want to go there.

My problem was my own university because as part of our degree we HAD to do an exchange somewhere, therefore without the exchange I wouldn't even graduate. Since back then I was such a stubborn girl that I told my dad I wouldn't go anywhere else than Dubai so forget it. Then my dad told me to give it a chance so after a while I said whatever, let's do it. It's not that I don't love my country but to me Hawlér was always just Middle-East; religious & uneducated, no women rights and definitely not a place I could feel comfortable with. Oh how wrong I was!

On 31^st of August, 2011 I flew to Hawlér, Kurdistan. 

To be more precise, I did my exchange here.

In the University of Kurdistan - Hawlér (UKH).

Before I got even accepted to do my exchange in UKH I had to do a lot. First I needed to prove my own university that UKH is legit. Imagine my teachers face expression when I told them where am I going. Nonetheless it took me almost half a year to communicate with my own university and with UKH before everything was settled.

After all the paper work I was ready to start my journey.

On my next blog I'll write more about how was studying and living in Kurdistan.

Our story in 1991: From Kurdistan To Finland

"It was March 1991 and the sky was pitch dark. Our home was invaded, our people were dying and we were walking through war zone in a hope of finding a save haven." 

-My mom

In 1991 Kurds were persecuted by Saddam Hussein's army and just like every other Kurd also our family migrated from his Regime. My parents wanted a saver world for their children and this is a story of our journey.

Unlike the other 2 million Kurds who fled Saddam Hussein's regime, we were lucky. In March 1991 our family was separated because the Iraqi army killed all the Kurdish men but saved women and children so my father had to leave. He went to the border of Iran with his brothers and stayed there for over a month. We on the other hand were in constant danger so one night our mother took me, my older sister and brother to his brother's house because they were the few ones who actually had a bomb shelter. We spent there approximately 2 days and all we heard was bombs exploding and gun shootings. We were scared to death.   

On the following days my mom and her sister had the courage to go outside because we were about to be without any food or water, so under pressure they went to see what is going on outside. The view was incredible. People were coming back to their houses and life was starting again in the heart of Kurdistan, Hawlér. 

My mom gathered the children and we went back to our own house, still without our father. After sometime my grandfather went to get my dad back because during that time there were no telephones or internet for that matter. We didn't even know if my dad was still alive. Finally after many weeks we saw our dad again.

Time had passed but situation in Hawlér was still unstable. One day a man knocked on our door and asked for my dad. This man came to take us to Europe. One of my uncles left Kurdistan many years before us, so once he heard what's going on he sent one of his friends to us so that also we can leave Kurdistan and find ourselves a new saver home. So this man showed my father pictures of my uncle and us as well just to assure my dad he is for real. Once again my dad left us for weeks. He went to Iran to get us all Iraqi Passports so that we can leave Kurdistan. These passports were fake but during that time no one had "real" passports anyways.

The man on the left is the one who helped us and the man in the middle is my dad and on his right his brother.

Two weeks passed and then my dad came back from Iran with passports for all of us. Our journey to Europe started at this very moment. In the 90's people didn't really have much money but thank god my dad had worked a lot to have some savings. 

We left Hawlér and our next destination was Zakho and from there we took a bus to Turkey. It was October 1991. Luckily we spent less than 3 weeks in Turkey and from there we managed to take a train straight to Bulgaria.

We were one country closer to our save haven.

My older brother, I and my oldest sister. One of our first pictures together in Bulgaria.

This is my beautiful mom and my little brother, who was just few months when we left Kurdistan.

We lived together with another family in Bulgaria, also Kurds. 

Bulgaria was very snowy and we arrived there just before Christmas. Experiencing snow with that amount was something incredible for us. I still remember how much fun I had playing outside but I wasn't happy. Once again my dad had left us. He and his brother left us and went to Finland. We stayed with my mom, other uncle and this other family. Being without our father for days, then weeks, then months and then years was simply terrible. We were all so young and my mother didn't even speak the language so that we could get along, but the Bulgarian people were helpful.

My older brother. Bulgaria.

The entire family! I am the one in the front with a pink dress and blue necklace. Bulgaria.

My oldest sister. Bulgaria.

My mom always tells me one story I can never forget. As I said above, we lived in Bulgaria with another family and they had a daughter in the same age as I was. Her dad was with them in Bulgaria so each night her father came home from work and brought us both something sweet. He never forgot me when he got something for her own daughter. So one night, her father came home and brought us both lollipops. I still remember how her daughter ran towards him, jumped on him and hugged him. I was looking at them and I started to cry. I went to my mom and said:

"Why my dad never comes home?"

My mom looks at me and starts to cry and just when this man noticed us he came to me and grabbed me in his arms. I and my mom were both crying and he just looked at me and told me:

"Aren't I here?"

Then he hugged me so tight that I stopped crying. Back then I didn't know how my mom had felt but now I can imagine. She was more heartbroken than we were. She was basically all alone in a foreign country with 4 young children. I don't wonder.

We played all day with the locals and my mom always said that they loved us so much!

It didn't matter where we lived, my mother always stayed loyal to the Kurdish blood. Kurdish dress all the way.

She even did the dishes with that gorgeous dress! 

Here is my older brother with one of our relatives. Also in Bulgaria.

Here is my uncle who stayed with us when my dad left us.

 After year and a half we finally got our passports and we traveled to Finland, where my father waited for us. It was 23rd of April, 1993. It took us almost 2 years to find a save haven and Finland become our next home.

The one with a black jacket is my father and the one with a purple suit is my uncle. Here we are at the airport of Finland. The first day of our arrival.

Reuniting with my cousins in Finland.

Leaving your home is never easy, but sometimes it's a necessity. Once in a while I think what would've happened if we had stayed in Kurdistan, would I be still the person I am today. Most probably not, but I know for sure that Finland offered my family a home when our home was taken away from us.

We can do so little to repay Finland, but ought to do our best. Therefore we as a family are grateful for everything we got from this beautiful country.

Our cousins visited our house in Finland.

Oh I still remember this! Playing outside with my siblings.

I believe these are one of our first photos with out Finnish friends.

Our youngest sister was born in Finland.

Local Kindergarten, with my siblings.

I and my little brother were inseparable. Still are. 

Two cuties, sister and brother.

Famous Kulicha making with the family.

I know lot of people are leaving Kurdistan currently, but I truly hope they wouldn't. Even if our family left, I don't urge everyone to leave. Our country, our golden land Kurdistan still needs all of us and we need to have faith in our people and in our Kurdistan.

My mother and her first child. Kurdistan.

To finish our story, I would like to say it was a unique journey and we were lucky enough to receive only the best from all of the countries we passed but the final destination Finland was the crown to all of it.

Thank you Finland

Kurdistan is Our Home

The other day I came home from work and I heard my dad talking on the phone with our relative. They were talking about when would our relative leave Kurdistan for good and settle down in Europe, Finland.

The more I think about it, the more I want to know what our fellow Kurds back home really think about leaving Kurdistan. I asked the question below in a Kurdish group, and I got plenty of good answers!

After couple of hours few of the Kurds answered me with their thoughts and opinions. Many thought that leaving Kurdistan would never be an option and for some it would be the best decision they would ever do. So why is that?

"Kurdistan has a lot of problems but living in another country is even worse. Kurds living abroad usually have satisfied needs in term of their life needs, but they always have one problem: home sickness."  -Ahmed Duhoki

I personally grew up in Finland so I could say Finland is my home, but I can't because it is not. Surely Finland has given me everything and I can't show my gratitude enough, but there is always home sickness, a sense of belonging, shared culture and language. I am not alone in this, because many Kurds abroad share the same feelings.

"For many it's a golden ticket to a better life but of course it comes with lot of disadvantages too. Right now Kurdistan is a mess in the hands of the corrupted people so I am glad I chose to leave it but there are other times I think why did I leave my motherland, because at the end home is where your mother is." -Shaho Ahmed

 Indeed.. Home. Where is your home? Is it in Kurdistan, Europe, The States or Africa? Shaho Ahmed defined home to us better than I could've ever defined it. But what if my mother is here with me, in Finland? I still say my home is in Kurdistan and that will never change.

"No, we know the hardness of life out of Kurdistan but at least we know life abroad is fair."-Miran Shamall

"I've been in Kurdistan for 3 years and each day I hate it more and more. Imagine how the people who have lived here all of their life feel? Yes, they will try anything to get away from this hell hole." -Gilan Norie

Life is hard no matter where you are, it just depends on the perception one got. As Ahmed Duhoki put it "Building a good life can be done anywhere under any situation. It depends on how hard you want to build that good life", it all comes down to you personally. Some have seen the worst of life hence they would cherish every second of something good even if its 2 hours of electricity per day but then there are some who are so used to a good life that having everything is still not enough because they can't adjust to the Kurdish mentality. 

" I was born in Europe so I had no choice but I am grateful. I need to make enough money to be able to help my family back home." -Serxwebûn Agirî

"I went back with my husband and two kids, we both had offered great jobs, and it took us 11 months to change our minds again. Once you have seen both Kurdistan and another country, you really can't make up your mind. If I was living alone I would be living there but as a mother I can't just think of myself." -Shayma Sadiq

Those who left Kurdistan back in the 80's and 90's didn't really have much of a choice. Whose parent wouldn't want to provide their children a brighter future? Those Kurds who succeeded safely all the way to Europe are mostly there to do their best. But we will never forget our country, we will never stop helping our people because to us it will always be our home. 

"There are people who came back to Kurdistan and never wish to leave it again, some burn their passports, some lives like a king, and then some are ready to pay anything to get an European residency permit." - Soran Mohammed

 I'm not arguing that life ain't difficult in Kurdistan, but I am arguing on is leaving your home today really worth it? You could live in the middle of the desert or forest and still try to live a good life since as previously mentioned it all goes down to you. 

"Kurdistan is like a mother for us, even tho there isn't a quality life here, our soul will be hungry if we are far away from mother's lap. Even those living overseas will come back to their mother's hug." -Shahkawan H. Qadir

That said, Kurdistan is our mother land and we are Kurdistan's future. Kurdistan is and will always be our home and no distance can take that away from us. This is my home.