Something new, something old and something crazy!

It feels like forever since the last time I sat down and typed my thoughts. Maybe its me being busier than before or I'm just lacking the right kind of motivation. Nevertheless, I'm more than back and I got some stories to share!

I'm known by my family and friends to be an exceptionally determined person, but I personally see myself as the type who will take the leap in order to reach my goals and dreams. I've wanted million things in my life and like any other, I've been lost too. It's like you got million roads and options, but none feels the right one. Then there comes a day and it hits you like a wind straight through you. 

For a while now I've wanted to continue my studies and do masters. I wasn't quite sure when would I start my studies but I knew it had something to do with international field. I have a business background and I've worked in this field for years now. I wanted something different.

I was searching educations through Studentum.fi and I found few options just on the other side of the ocean: Estonia. I'm never a last minute type of a person, but applying to do masters in Estonia was definitely last minute decision. I ended up applying to Tallinn University. 

Photo taken by Ada Claire, http://www.firuzehphotography.com.

After this post I will write more about Tallinn University, Life in Estonia and how to mingle between work and studies. I've got plenty of things to share so I hope you all got the interest to follow up on my stories. <3

So.. why Estonia? Why Tallinn University? Honestly, I was desperate for a change. It's not like my life was boring or I had nothing to do, it was just that I needed to challenge myself. If one is just going to work, then home and repeat this for the next few years you will get a burnout or just stop living for yourself. Don't take me wrong, I love my job and I will gladly keep doing what I do. It's just that I needed to do this for myself.

I'm a free spirit and I can't stay in one place forever!

After searching for a while I send my application to Tallinn University and after the application period ended (which was the next day by the way :D ), it was time to send all of my papers. I was so anxious to know what will happen that I couldn't stop thinking about it for days! 

On my next blog I will talk about the application process and explain in more detail why I chose Tallinn University. 

Talk about Kurdish problems..

Lately I've had the chance to really think about the things we women go through. To be more precise I've thought about all of the chances we have in life and the chances we can never reach due to our circumstances - whether it is culture or religion.

My thoughts aren't based on any facts hence don't take them as the absolute truth. But doesn't it sometimes piss you off that Kurdish women always have to explain themselves? If we are too smart, then we are arrogant. If we are successful, then we surely have used our feminine ways to reach that far (not gonna open up that more - I'm sure you know what I  mean). If we want more from life than a Kurdish man and kids, then we must be rebels. If some of the lucky ones actually reach to the point they've dreamed and worked hard for, then they are judged so harshly that you can't believe your eyes nor ears. 

Throughout my life I've always tried to please others. I've always wanted to be part of something. I've always felt like I'm missing out because I'm already 26 years old and I don't have a husband (believe me, in our culture I'm already a lost case and no one wants me). I've always thought of the things I should do than the things I want to do. When someone asks me "why don't you just do it" my answer is almost always "because I can't". I feel so trapped because I need to live up to every expectations made up for me. For those who don't know the Kurdish culture, let me open it up a bit.

In most families, not all of course, women differ a lot from men. Women are more protected and more controlled because women are the crown jewel of the family, women are the pride and if they do something that isn't acceptable it's same as the family has lost all of their pride. Talk about pressure! 

So when you are thinking about what to do this weekend I need to think what to say to my parents to even go out. Of course in many situations I'm pretty lucky from other Kurdish women. I can educate myself, I can work and I can have a brain (seriously, I'm not exaggerating). My parents don't expect me to just settle down with someone (even tho they wish me to do so), they don't tell me what to do and when but all they ask of me is to take care of my dignity and image. You think that's easy?

Kurds are so curious on other Kurds life's that if you want to keep something to yourself it's almost impossible. I live in Europe, in a country where equality is confirmed by law but it doesn't mean that it will automatically actualize in every household. Even the most simplest things are more difficult to overcome than you might think. As an example I can't just go out in the middle of the night and say "I'll be back". Not to mention living by myself, having a boyfriend or going on a holiday with my friends.

I'm not writing this to complain that I want to do all these things, because believe it or not I don't want these things. I wan't something much more. I love to live with my parents because I'm never alone, dinner is always ready when I come from work, our house is always clean and I have the most loving parents. So why would I want to move out and be alone? I don't want that. I've compensated these things with a hunger for success and a strong will to educate myself as much as I can. I believe that short-term satisfaction is nothing compared to the long-term satisfaction that will ultimately lead to true happiness.

We people are so eager to live in the moment and suffocate ourselves with happiness and good feeling that lasts a moment. What we forget is that nothing good comes easy and if we truly want something we need to suck up the pain and keep our eyes on the target.

So to conclude and gather my thoughts I want to let you all know that life isn't supposed to be easy and some of us got more obstacles on our way than the rest. Therefore never compare yourself with others because we all got our own battles to win. Shitty things happens to everyone everyday but what truly matters is how we react on it. 

Dare to dig a bit deeper, fight against the obstacles and challenge yourself for the rest of your life. Don't settle for today when you have tomorrow.

From Finland to Kurdistan: Studying in the University of Kurdistan - Hawlér (UKH) part 2

I would underestimate myself if I said that the exchange semester in Kurdistan didn't have major impact on my personal growth. Because it did.

As I said on my previous blog posts, I didn't really choose to do my exchange in Kurdistan - I was forced due to having no other choice. But I am glad I had no other choice. I grew up between two cultures and I never really felt being a Kurd but rather a lost soul who tried to convince herself that she is a Finn no matter her appearance. But see, I am not just a Kurd nor a Finn and I realized this only after me exchange.

I was in my 20's when I flew to Kurdistan and as many others also I didn't really know who I am. It certainly didn't help that I didn't speak fluently my mother language. I started the semester in October 2011. I was really happy that all of the students in the university spoke fluent English therefore I didn't have to speak in Kurdish. Actually many of them didn't even know I'm a Kurd. I guess they thought I'm just another Western girl lost in Kurdistan. Only after few weeks I spoke in Kurdish and to the student's reaction I felt ashamed since my accent was funny to them. 

I woke up everyday before 8 am, had breakfast and went to my classes. The first day was terrible. I sat at the front of the class, opened my bag and grabbed my pens and notebook. I laid my pens on the desk in order and notebook next to it. I was surprised that none of my classmates had even a pen with them. So since day one I felt like a joke, because to them I was weird for carrying multiple pens.

I don't know if it was only this university, or the culture or the society but the amount of sarcasm was astonishing. Obviously I had no experience in people who made fun of others just for the fun of it so most of the sarcastic comments didn't even reach my understanding. Call it being stupid but honestly I just didn't understand where it came from. Sure its easy to pick on the new girl who didn't understand "the local way" nor spoke fluently her mother language. To be quite honest the first few months were hell to me. There wasn't a single day I didn't go back home with a sad face. 

One of the days that hurt me the most was a day when I went to uni with a skirt I thought was beautiful. Only few hours had passed when one of my male classmates came to me and said "Taj, you know that dress is too short and not acceptable?" I was shocked because honestly it was just above my knee. Then he continued "Everyone is talking about you and making fun of you." My eyes were filled with tears but I hold it in. I just excused myself and ran to the ladies room and just cried. To me that feeling was terrible because no one has ever told me how to dress plus I was just depressed so I just couldn't hold it anymore. It took me just 15 min to realize that I won't survive a week unless I start to live and act as everyone else does.

I texted that same male classmate and asked a ride home. He was so kind that of course he took me home. Once I got home I asked him to wait for 5 min. I went to my room, threw away the skirt and put on a dress with more acceptable length. I gathered myself and walked back to the car. He looked at me once and knew I'm going to handle this no matter what. We went back to uni and I walked to my next class without feeling a hint of awkwardness but I knew everyone was looking at me and that I had changed my clothes for a reason. Since that day I didn't let anyone walk on me.

First I asked my cousins to correct me each time I said something wrong, I asked them also to teach me how to read and write in Kurdish letters. I learned in less than few weeks. I started out by reading all the signs and rewriting song lyrics and let me tell you I succeeded so well that I even surprised myself!

After a while I started making friends who I had so much fun with. They showed me around, taught me how to behave in certain situations and most of all they taught me not to carry around a god damn pen because no one uses it there. :D My classmates and friends started to call me "gandal" which meant "corrupted", and I didn't mind it because it was true. I was corrupted by the society, the uni and even my friends. The only thing that mattered was that I accepted being corrupted because I wanted to be part of the society, to know my culture, language and roots. 

It didn't take long until I attended all the seminars provided by the uni, exhibitions and many other. I learned a lot during those 6 months but what I really learned was that each culture is different and even being a Kurd doesn't automatically mean you can handle the pressure. I certainly didn't but I learned to. 

To sum up I need to say that each and one of us should have the chance the explore themselves even if it means stepping out of their comfort-zone and exploring something new and maybe even awful. It all comes down to how will you act upon it. If I had truly gone the depression road I wouldn't have learned as much as I did, I wouldn't have learned the culture and the language and most of all I wouldn't be the person I am today. 

Have faith when everything seems hopeless and have courage when all seems to be lost because you never know what lies behind the closed door.