Something new, something old and something crazy!

It feels like forever since the last time I sat down and typed my thoughts. Maybe its me being busier than before or I'm just lacking the right kind of motivation. Nevertheless, I'm more than back and I got some stories to share!

I'm known by my family and friends to be an exceptionally determined person, but I personally see myself as the type who will take the leap in order to reach my goals and dreams. I've wanted million things in my life and like any other, I've been lost too. It's like you got million roads and options, but none feels the right one. Then there comes a day and it hits you like a wind straight through you. 

For a while now I've wanted to continue my studies and do masters. I wasn't quite sure when would I start my studies but I knew it had something to do with international field. I have a business background and I've worked in this field for years now. I wanted something different.

I was searching educations through Studentum.fi and I found few options just on the other side of the ocean: Estonia. I'm never a last minute type of a person, but applying to do masters in Estonia was definitely last minute decision. I ended up applying to Tallinn University. 

Photo taken by Ada Claire, http://www.firuzehphotography.com.

After this post I will write more about Tallinn University, Life in Estonia and how to mingle between work and studies. I've got plenty of things to share so I hope you all got the interest to follow up on my stories. <3

So.. why Estonia? Why Tallinn University? Honestly, I was desperate for a change. It's not like my life was boring or I had nothing to do, it was just that I needed to challenge myself. If one is just going to work, then home and repeat this for the next few years you will get a burnout or just stop living for yourself. Don't take me wrong, I love my job and I will gladly keep doing what I do. It's just that I needed to do this for myself.

I'm a free spirit and I can't stay in one place forever!

After searching for a while I send my application to Tallinn University and after the application period ended (which was the next day by the way :D ), it was time to send all of my papers. I was so anxious to know what will happen that I couldn't stop thinking about it for days! 

On my next blog I will talk about the application process and explain in more detail why I chose Tallinn University. 

Talk about Kurdish problems..

Lately I've had the chance to really think about the things we women go through. To be more precise I've thought about all of the chances we have in life and the chances we can never reach due to our circumstances - whether it is culture or religion.

My thoughts aren't based on any facts hence don't take them as the absolute truth. But doesn't it sometimes piss you off that Kurdish women always have to explain themselves? If we are too smart, then we are arrogant. If we are successful, then we surely have used our feminine ways to reach that far (not gonna open up that more - I'm sure you know what I  mean). If we want more from life than a Kurdish man and kids, then we must be rebels. If some of the lucky ones actually reach to the point they've dreamed and worked hard for, then they are judged so harshly that you can't believe your eyes nor ears. 

Throughout my life I've always tried to please others. I've always wanted to be part of something. I've always felt like I'm missing out because I'm already 26 years old and I don't have a husband (believe me, in our culture I'm already a lost case and no one wants me). I've always thought of the things I should do than the things I want to do. When someone asks me "why don't you just do it" my answer is almost always "because I can't". I feel so trapped because I need to live up to every expectations made up for me. For those who don't know the Kurdish culture, let me open it up a bit.

In most families, not all of course, women differ a lot from men. Women are more protected and more controlled because women are the crown jewel of the family, women are the pride and if they do something that isn't acceptable it's same as the family has lost all of their pride. Talk about pressure! 

So when you are thinking about what to do this weekend I need to think what to say to my parents to even go out. Of course in many situations I'm pretty lucky from other Kurdish women. I can educate myself, I can work and I can have a brain (seriously, I'm not exaggerating). My parents don't expect me to just settle down with someone (even tho they wish me to do so), they don't tell me what to do and when but all they ask of me is to take care of my dignity and image. You think that's easy?

Kurds are so curious on other Kurds life's that if you want to keep something to yourself it's almost impossible. I live in Europe, in a country where equality is confirmed by law but it doesn't mean that it will automatically actualize in every household. Even the most simplest things are more difficult to overcome than you might think. As an example I can't just go out in the middle of the night and say "I'll be back". Not to mention living by myself, having a boyfriend or going on a holiday with my friends.

I'm not writing this to complain that I want to do all these things, because believe it or not I don't want these things. I wan't something much more. I love to live with my parents because I'm never alone, dinner is always ready when I come from work, our house is always clean and I have the most loving parents. So why would I want to move out and be alone? I don't want that. I've compensated these things with a hunger for success and a strong will to educate myself as much as I can. I believe that short-term satisfaction is nothing compared to the long-term satisfaction that will ultimately lead to true happiness.

We people are so eager to live in the moment and suffocate ourselves with happiness and good feeling that lasts a moment. What we forget is that nothing good comes easy and if we truly want something we need to suck up the pain and keep our eyes on the target.

So to conclude and gather my thoughts I want to let you all know that life isn't supposed to be easy and some of us got more obstacles on our way than the rest. Therefore never compare yourself with others because we all got our own battles to win. Shitty things happens to everyone everyday but what truly matters is how we react on it. 

Dare to dig a bit deeper, fight against the obstacles and challenge yourself for the rest of your life. Don't settle for today when you have tomorrow.

From Finland to Kurdistan: Studying in the University of Kurdistan - Hawlér (UKH) part 2

I would underestimate myself if I said that the exchange semester in Kurdistan didn't have major impact on my personal growth. Because it did.

As I said on my previous blog posts, I didn't really choose to do my exchange in Kurdistan - I was forced due to having no other choice. But I am glad I had no other choice. I grew up between two cultures and I never really felt being a Kurd but rather a lost soul who tried to convince herself that she is a Finn no matter her appearance. But see, I am not just a Kurd nor a Finn and I realized this only after me exchange.

I was in my 20's when I flew to Kurdistan and as many others also I didn't really know who I am. It certainly didn't help that I didn't speak fluently my mother language. I started the semester in October 2011. I was really happy that all of the students in the university spoke fluent English therefore I didn't have to speak in Kurdish. Actually many of them didn't even know I'm a Kurd. I guess they thought I'm just another Western girl lost in Kurdistan. Only after few weeks I spoke in Kurdish and to the student's reaction I felt ashamed since my accent was funny to them. 

I woke up everyday before 8 am, had breakfast and went to my classes. The first day was terrible. I sat at the front of the class, opened my bag and grabbed my pens and notebook. I laid my pens on the desk in order and notebook next to it. I was surprised that none of my classmates had even a pen with them. So since day one I felt like a joke, because to them I was weird for carrying multiple pens.

I don't know if it was only this university, or the culture or the society but the amount of sarcasm was astonishing. Obviously I had no experience in people who made fun of others just for the fun of it so most of the sarcastic comments didn't even reach my understanding. Call it being stupid but honestly I just didn't understand where it came from. Sure its easy to pick on the new girl who didn't understand "the local way" nor spoke fluently her mother language. To be quite honest the first few months were hell to me. There wasn't a single day I didn't go back home with a sad face. 

One of the days that hurt me the most was a day when I went to uni with a skirt I thought was beautiful. Only few hours had passed when one of my male classmates came to me and said "Taj, you know that dress is too short and not acceptable?" I was shocked because honestly it was just above my knee. Then he continued "Everyone is talking about you and making fun of you." My eyes were filled with tears but I hold it in. I just excused myself and ran to the ladies room and just cried. To me that feeling was terrible because no one has ever told me how to dress plus I was just depressed so I just couldn't hold it anymore. It took me just 15 min to realize that I won't survive a week unless I start to live and act as everyone else does.

I texted that same male classmate and asked a ride home. He was so kind that of course he took me home. Once I got home I asked him to wait for 5 min. I went to my room, threw away the skirt and put on a dress with more acceptable length. I gathered myself and walked back to the car. He looked at me once and knew I'm going to handle this no matter what. We went back to uni and I walked to my next class without feeling a hint of awkwardness but I knew everyone was looking at me and that I had changed my clothes for a reason. Since that day I didn't let anyone walk on me.

First I asked my cousins to correct me each time I said something wrong, I asked them also to teach me how to read and write in Kurdish letters. I learned in less than few weeks. I started out by reading all the signs and rewriting song lyrics and let me tell you I succeeded so well that I even surprised myself!

After a while I started making friends who I had so much fun with. They showed me around, taught me how to behave in certain situations and most of all they taught me not to carry around a god damn pen because no one uses it there. :D My classmates and friends started to call me "gandal" which meant "corrupted", and I didn't mind it because it was true. I was corrupted by the society, the uni and even my friends. The only thing that mattered was that I accepted being corrupted because I wanted to be part of the society, to know my culture, language and roots. 

It didn't take long until I attended all the seminars provided by the uni, exhibitions and many other. I learned a lot during those 6 months but what I really learned was that each culture is different and even being a Kurd doesn't automatically mean you can handle the pressure. I certainly didn't but I learned to. 

To sum up I need to say that each and one of us should have the chance the explore themselves even if it means stepping out of their comfort-zone and exploring something new and maybe even awful. It all comes down to how will you act upon it. If I had truly gone the depression road I wouldn't have learned as much as I did, I wouldn't have learned the culture and the language and most of all I wouldn't be the person I am today. 

Have faith when everything seems hopeless and have courage when all seems to be lost because you never know what lies behind the closed door.

From Finland to Kurdistan: Studying in the University of Kurdistan - Hawlér (UKH) part 1

I landed to Hawlér, Kurdistan early in the morning on 1^st of September, 2011. I traveled with my mom and dad because apparently before I can officially enroll to the university I need my dads permission. I still remember how I was thinking where am I going that I need a permission for. Honestly I hadn't any good feelings about my upcoming exchange. Not at all.

With my parents the local Mall - Hawlér, Kurdistan, 2011

I was told that my semester would start on 4^th of September, which was a Sunday. I was a bit skeptic because why would anyone go to so class on Sunday?!  Nevertheless we went there on that Sunday and they told us we are one month early. I wish it had been just us being too early but no.. When we went to the admissions office they actually asked us "who are you exactly?". They didn't have any information about me and to be quiet frank they didn't even know what's the meaning of an exchange student. I was really disappointed and I just looked at my dad with the face "I told you so". 

Couple of days passed and my dad was calling professors, lecturers, admission office and then finally we reached the lovely Vice President of the university. She helped us and took care of all the necessary paper work. You might think why haven't we made sure of the necessary paper work before - but let me tell you: We DID! The head faculty of the Business & Management accepted me as an exchange student but for some reason the information hadn't gone to the admission. 

My exchange in the University of Kurdistan - Hawlér took place in fall 2011 until February 2012. My journey in Kurdistan had a rough start but once I started the actual studies it went down the hill in a blink of an eye. Hahha just joking. The 6 month in Kurdistan truly opened my eyes and the more I spent my days there the more I felt home. 

I had classes from Sunday (believe me, it was quite a surprise to me too) to Thursday. Even tho no one really did any studies on a Thursday because it was mostly just a day off to submit assignments. So for me Thursdays were "let's chill and have some tea at the University's garden". Also one of the few things that was quite cool was that I had a personal driver who picked me up every morning and took me home too. There were public transportation but women barely used to it due to safety reasons plus it wasn't proper if an unmarried lady used a bus. Obviously for me having a personal driver was luxurious because I've used public transportation in Finland since forever.. 

On my next blog I'll discuss the classes and teachers. :)

From Finland to Kurdistan: Exchange Program with University of Kurdistan - Hawlér

"But dad I can't leave now because I still need to do one exam"  

Which obviously was a big fat lie. I just wanted to stay for the Valentine's day party. It's almost 4 years ago when I did an exchange program with the University of Kurdistan Hawlér. To be quiet honest Kurdistan wasn't my first choice, not even second.

When I started my studies at the local university in Finland my main focus and biggest excitement was the chance to do an exchange somewhere in the world. When I explored all the possibilities I landed with a university in Dubai. Can you guess my dad's reaction?

"There is no way I'll let my daughter to be surrounded by Arabs!"

As if the Arabs would eat me. I wanted to go to Dubai because it was everything I wanted: booming economy, high class and of course the shopping malls! After a while I realized there isn't a chance to change my dad's mind. His decision was rock solid. Once my dad saw how disappointed I was he suggested why don't I go to Kurdistan. I was like "Omg what a typical Kurdish dad! Of course he suggests Kurdistan.." At first I didn't really like his idea and I told him many times that I don't want to go there.

My problem was my own university because as part of our degree we HAD to do an exchange somewhere, therefore without the exchange I wouldn't even graduate. Since back then I was such a stubborn girl that I told my dad I wouldn't go anywhere else than Dubai so forget it. Then my dad told me to give it a chance so after a while I said whatever, let's do it. It's not that I don't love my country but to me Hawlér was always just Middle-East; religious & uneducated, no women rights and definitely not a place I could feel comfortable with. Oh how wrong I was!

On 31^st of August, 2011 I flew to Hawlér, Kurdistan. 

To be more precise, I did my exchange here.

In the University of Kurdistan - Hawlér (UKH).

Before I got even accepted to do my exchange in UKH I had to do a lot. First I needed to prove my own university that UKH is legit. Imagine my teachers face expression when I told them where am I going. Nonetheless it took me almost half a year to communicate with my own university and with UKH before everything was settled.

After all the paper work I was ready to start my journey.

On my next blog I'll write more about how was studying and living in Kurdistan.

What's Up With 90's Generation?

I don't know if its the blood running through my veins or just the way I was raised up, but whenever I see strong women standing for their beliefs or fighting in the front-line beside men I feel a rush going through me. It feels like the whole world is counting on me to do something. It feels like I need to get up and stand for what I believe in.

"Live your beliefs and you can turn around the world"

                                                               Henry David Thoreau


What do I believe in then? A world where we all can live in peace. To some this might sound a bit of naive, but isn't that what we all want? There are young girls like Malala Yousafzai (who is my absolute favorite above all) that have dedicated her whole existence in protecting the fundamental right: equal education for everyone despite their gender. 

I have few fundamental beliefs as well and they are:

1. The right to live in peace
2. Food and water for everyone
3. Equal rights for education

It's been couple of weeks now - and no it's not my New Year resolutions - that I've been thinking a lot what's next. Many of my friends know me for being very determinate and always up to date with all of my future plans. Not to mention that I also expect a lot from myself too. Maybe its the fact that the world is going through a lot or maybe I'm just lacking some excitement. 

A year ago I didn't even have a clear vision what should I do in the near future and currently I feel like the whole world is sitting on my shoulders and expecting a miracle from me. Do you ever feel like there is so much you need to accomplish but so little time? Yah.. Time is seriously our number one enemy. While we are thinking what's next, time keeps passing us by without even feeling bad for us!

But then again, why are we rushed to know what we want to do for the next 40 or 50 years? Why living feels like mass production; born, go to school, work, get married, get a mortgage, have kids, work some more and then die. 

Well no. Just no. I have and will always refuse to be the typical Kurdish woman who by the age of 26 has already a husband and 3 kids. Also I'm not degrading women who do decide to do so, because I have great deal of respect for them. My own sister has 3 beautiful daughters and she is - after my mom - the best mom I've seen. So don't get me wrong. 

What I mean is why can't the rest of us break the rules and make room to follow our own road. 

From a young Kurdish woman's perspective It's quite hard sometimes. The first problem sometimes starts within your own family; there is your own dad who strongly believes that women are "weaker" and therefore needs "protection". Yah, surely we might be weaker physically but we can do much more if we are given the possibility to do so. Right now I'm talking from experience. There has been so many times that I've had to prove my dad wrong but once I managed to do that I opened a new door to my own road. 

We also have someone very special that balances "Kurdish problems" and that's our mom. Kurdish mothers always wants the best for their children, especially daughters. Personally speaking its always my mother who convinces my dad to let me pursue my goals. Tho this doesn't mean we don't have to anything. Oh yes we do. We need to show our parents every single day that we are worth the trust, we need to prove them with high marks and excellency. Pretty tough to be a Kurdish woman but that's what makes us extremely powerful. It's the fact that we need to constantly work hard and exceed all expectations.

Despite the hard work and the need to argue with my dad each time even on the most simplest things - makes everything much more desirable once I've actually met my goals. I guess what I'm trying to say here is LIVE. If you want to chill and just watch Netflix, do that. If you want to become a doctor, study hard. If you want to be the next Obama, get up right now. And if you just want to be you, then be.

Stop with all the fuzz and for once just breath.

This is What Genocide Looks Like

Take a close look at the picture below.

Now Imagine this is your child. Imagine you had to leave your home with a hope of a save haven for your child. Not for yourself, but for your child. You are going through hell right here on earth.

I am actually speechless for all the war crimes ISIS is doing against humanity. I am numb for all the hate in the world. I am powerless because we can't stop the war or the hate.

I still remember like it was yesterday when I was listening to my history teacher and he was talking about Hitler's war crimes. At that time I was thinking "wow, and no one did anything to stop him. What a world!". I never guessed that 10 years later I would be the one to witness such cruelty. History keeps repeating itself and we never learn. Do we?

I know what you are thinking. Lots of kids are dying everyday in Asia, Africa and in the whole world. But when will we stand up and say "Enough is enough!". We can't keep letting our people die because they are running away from war! I mean how can we sleep in our cozy warm beds when we know there are people dying because of our style of living?! Our standards and needs are so high that we keep asking for more and more, and who gets hurt? Guess twice.

I won't get into too much politics, because it's one woman's opinion. What we need to do is put our focus on humanity, instead of who wins and who looses.  We are living in the same god damn world, same bubble but yet we have two separate worlds: The West and the East. The rich and the poor. We are breathing the same air, enjoying the same rain and sunset but yet we somehow feel more privileged and close our borders from the ones in need. Not to even mention the rich Arab countries who ain't moving even one finger!

I mean what the hell?!

Since when our lives have prices and labels? Since when I am more privileged just because I was lucky enough to live in one of the safest places in the world? Since when we human beings are the smartest race in the world? Huh..what a laugh! At least animals care for each other, at least animals show compassion and empathy towards one and another.

I am simply disgusted and I blame the world leaders and their unbelievable greediness.

Let's all make a stand and do our part. Always remember to help each other, always show love instead of hate and always remember this innocent child.

May this angel rest in peace.